Comments on: Mitch Hedberg Quotes

By: Liang

Liang — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 07:02:44 +0000

Just add my footprint here.

By: jamieb

jamieb — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 01:54:12 +0000

I went to a Subway sandwich shop, and I said, ‘Let me have a bun,’ but she wouldn’t sell me just a bun. She said it had to have something on it. She told me it’s against regulations for Subway to sell just a bun; I guess the two halves ain’t supposed to touch. So, I said, ‘Alright, put some lettuce on it,’ which they did. They said, ‘That’ll be $1.75.’ I said, ‘It’s for a duck.’ They said, ‘Alright, well then it’s free.’ See, I did not know that — ducks eat for free at Subway. Had I known that, I would’ve ordered a much larger sandwich. ‘Lemme have the steak fajita sandwich, but don’t bother ringing it up, it’s for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want SunChips!’

By: donnysalami

donnysalami — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 02:38:42 +0000

I was over at a friend’s house and it was late. He said “You can sleep here, but you have to sleep on the floor.” Dammit! Gravity! You don’t know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall!

By: Chris W

Chris W — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 19:59:05 +0000

One of my favorites goes something like, “If I were the horse of the headless horseman, I would so mess with him. I’d be like, ‘Yeah, we’re going in the right direction. No, we’re not going to where the hay is.”

By: Pauly

Pauly — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 02:06:16 +0000

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m, and it said “Sorry, we’re closed.”
You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 a.m, and you’re a dry cleaner. It would
be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk by at
ten in the morning and say, “Hey, I walked by at 3am and you guys were
closed. Somebody owes me an apology!”

Fan-fucking-tastic

By: JOSH

JOSH — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 06:43:25 +0000

HOPE YOU GET WELL SOON, ISNT THAT LIKE SAYING I HOPE YOU STAY SICK JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER?

IF YOU CAN FIND THE FULL VERSION THAT WOULD BE GREAT

By: sara

sara — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 00:50:57 +0000

“I wish my apartment was infested with Koala bears……that would be the cutest infestation ever.”

By: Merrin

Merrin — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 09:48:07 +0000

Oh I’m so glad I stumbled across this site! These Mitch Hedberg quotes have my face feeling sore from laughing! Excellent.. so that’s pretty much it, Cheers for the laugh..

By: archiz

archiz — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 01:58:41 +0000

wow…so many people love Mitch.

By: Morbe

Morbe — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 16:34:01 +0000

” Fettechini Alfredo is just Macaroni and Cheese for Adults. “