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03Sep09

If you have a quote that I have missed, or a new quote, feel free to comment on it the Demetri Quotes Post – it’s supposed to be a self-maintaining, growing collection of his works, updated by readers. Lately, there has been far too many irrelevant comments to this end – so here are the [...]

Filed under: For Comments on Demetri that Aren't Quote Updates, Quotes   |  2 Comments

Isolated thoughts

18Apr08

Bus tickets must be beings of uttermost confidence, for their sole function is to be validated.
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer…
Food is the opiate of the massive.
I aim to please…. myself, primarily.
Whenever I’m not feeling myself, I like to feel other people.
Following things blindly must be hard.
And [...]

Filed under: Mind-Vomit, Quotes   |  1 Comment
Tags: distraction, random, reincarnation, Religion

Stephen Wright Quotes

02Apr08

The best of the best of Stephen Wright’s Jokes*

I can levitate birds. No one cares.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Filed under: Distract yourself from the mediocrity of existence with, Quotes   |  2 Comments
Tags: Comedy, Genius, Hilarity, Humor, Humour, Jokes, One-liners, Quirky, Quotes, Stephen Wright

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

27Jul07

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”
I went to the store, bought eight apples. The clerk said, “Do you want me to put them in a bag?” I said, “No, man, I [...]

Filed under: Quotes   |  25 Comments
Tags: Comedy, Demetri Martin, Humor, Humour, Quotes

I like the idea of emergency drugs.

14Dec06

You know how, during the Preflight Safety Demonstration, flight attendants tell you that in the event of an emergency, oxygen masks will pop out of the ceiling? My question is: Who wants oxygen? If I’m going to be in an emergency seven miles up, I want nitrous [...]

Filed under: Quotes, Substance Enthusiasm   |  Leave a Comment
Tags: Add new tag, Humor, laughing gas, Nitrous, Nos, Quotes

Demetri Martin Quotes

01Oct06

Slacking off on original material, propagating the hilarity of others instead. Enjoy!

“I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank [...]

Filed under: Quotes   |  190 Comments
Tags: amusement, Comedy, Demetri Martin, Humor, Humour, joy, Mitch Hedberg, Quotes

Jack Handey Quotes

24Sep06

To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, ‘Hey, can you give me a hand?,’ you can say, ‘Sorry, got these sacks.’
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their [...]

Filed under: Quotes   |  9 Comments
Tags: amusement, boredom repellant, Comedy, Demetri Martin, Humor, Humour, Jack Handey, joy, Mitch Hedberg