If you have a quote that I have missed, or a new quote, feel free to comment on it the Demetri Quotes Post – it’s supposed to be a self-maintaining, growing collection of his works, updated by readers. Lately, there has been far too many irrelevant comments to this end – so here are the links to where you can talk about what I’ve noticed people talking about, apart from adding quotes. If you want me to make a new page because your comment doesn’t fit in any category, write it in here.

If you want to comment on how funny/attractive Demetri is or how much you want him in the pants, do it here.

And if you want to debate who the best comedians are and who is funnier than who, do it here.

If you want to say thank you for putting up the quotes or want me to edit something in an inaccurate comment that someone has quoted, let me know here – there’s no need to tell them, I can edit their comments myself, and if you want to tell them off for quoting incorrectly, email them or let out your hatred for that person by commenting here.

If you have a problem with someone on another post, or even a minor disagreement – especially on Demetri quotes; please stop clogging u the post let your hatred flow forth here. Or better yet, why not email the person you have a problem with directly?

I’m taking down the other comments from the Demetri posts, or at least trying to move them for you. I’ve been as reasonable as can be expected, please comply with this new rule, don’t make me set it to high security and make me have to approve every single comment individually, I don’t have that kind of time. I personally find this so ridiculous that it’s actually gotten funny, the fact that I have to do this.

I found this in an old book; wouldn’t a video of this ridiculous behavior be most amusing? If anyone has seen a lizard like this, put it in next to a mirror, film the ensuing hilarity, post it on youtube then send me a link.

Also, I can’t believe people still think someone intelligent is responsible for the creation of animals despite this sort of thing. One need only look at Galápagos giant turtles trying to lay their eggs and then get back to the ocean to see that there hasn’t been any thought put into their existence at all – they barely make it (and look quite hilarious doing so – their size and weight makes it extremely difficult and awkward for them to maneuver around on land), but barely reproducing is all that is required of them, so they survive. If god was behind this, he would’ve made lizards knowing humans would come along and mess with mirrors and built in a system of recognition that would prevent such displays; he wouldn’t have made it so preposterously difficult for the turtles to reproduce, and he wouldn’t have made human beings so gullible that they’d believe anyone was behind any of it.

To those who say I have a drug problem,
I say I have a drug solution.
To those that say I’m a drug addict,
I say I’m a substance enthusiast.
To those that say they care about me and want to help me,
I say…              lend me money.

This is the bare minimum you need to know if you’ve decided upon taking nitrous but haven’t the slightest idea how.

Step one – purchase or beg to borrow one of these:

They are sold in kitchenware shops, and on online; regular humans tend to refer to them as “cream whippers” or “soda siphons”. Nos-heads call them bulbalisers or simply, “machines”.
Older machines will tend to leak and taste like milk gone terribly wrong, leave freezing shards of the seal in your throat, etc; whilst the so-called “easywhip” makes it impossible to load quickly without injuring your hands. My machine of preference is actually a soda siphon, not technically a cream whipper – since the bulbs (nitrous and carbon dioxide) are the same size it works exactly the same, but makes re-loading easier, it’s the one in the below diagrams.

Step two – acquire some of these:

These can be found at most supermarkets, usually behind the counter, so just ask for “x boxes of cream chargers”[1]. If you get asked why you are buying them, tell them you’re making a big cake or something – they’re perfectly legal when used to make home-made whipped cream. If the supermarkets in your country don’t stock them, they can be bought online.

⇐ Soda chargers may look similar, but inhaling them will cause no fun whatsoever, instead making one gag and feel much pain.

Step three – Make sure your machine doesn’t leak.

Make sure the top part is screwed in tightly;  remove the bulb-holder bit of the machine and tighten the seal (by twisting) within the threaded bit of the machine.

Step four – Load your machine

Grab a bulb (a.k.a. cream charger) and insert it into your machine thus. Remember that the seal, the narrow part of the bulb, should always face the machine, and not the other way around – if, under the influence, you unwittingly attempt to load it the other way around, you’ll break the bulb-holder part of the machine. This happens surprisingly often, so it’s a good idea to have a sober person around to load for you.

Screw the bulb holder and bulb in, until you hear it crack as it expands in the machine. At this point you can load another bulb into the holder, then crack the second one after inhaling. Though it is possible for some machines to hold more than one bulb’s worth of gas at a time, this is potentially dangerous and will wear the machine out quicker.

Step five – Inhaling the nitrous

Before inhaling, you should really ensure that you are in the right environment, if you want to make sure you don’t hurt yourself and if you want to have mind-blowing trips. This blog just covers the physical “how to” of taking nitrous, but there’s a lot more to having a good trip than just inhaling it, and I’ve covered it here, under “having a good trip”. If you just want to make sure you don’t hurt yourself[2], read this.
Breathe out, empty your lungs, hold the part of the machine you see here expelling the gas up to your mouth, and press gently on the lever/button to get a feel for how hard it comes out. Think of the machine as containing your air supply, but do have sips of oxygen in between breaths of nitrous[3].
After you’ve got a feel for it, inhale big lung-fulls by lying back and letting your lungs expand as you breathe it. Try to keep it in, then exhale, and by this time there should be another bulb loaded for you, if you’ve got a loader. If you don’t, you will now have to repeat the loading process, while half-out of it, and will probably get frustrated by your own incompetence or whang your head with the machine.

That’s the absolute basics; if you want to have a good trip read this, and if you want to make sure you don’t hurt yourself read this.

Over and out
Sir Nosalot.

___________________________________________________________
[1] X should be over two. Closer to ten if you’re taking it with hallucinogens.
[2] And you could really, really hurt yourself, if you don’t prepare right. People have died from not taking it right.
[3] Brain cells don’t die from nitrous, but they do die from lack of oxygen. What they give you at the dentist is about a 70/30 split of nitrous and oxygen, and even that, with the right music and your eyes closed, is enough to make you trip out, while being safe enough for dentists to administer it.

What is absolutely Nosessary

Yes, there have been deaths attributed to nitrous, no, nitrous doesn’t kill you. Every single one of the deaths “caused” by nitrous has been indirect; a product of improper circumstances; preventable. Follow this simple list and avoid all danger (apart from the danger of not having a good time, for that you really need to read the second paragraph of this too).

✖    Don’t take it in enclosed, unventilated areas, because you could asphyxiate. This means you die due to lack of oxygen. Stay away from cars, unless they’re moving and the windows are open, and even then, stay away from them unless you’re inside one. Asphyxiation accounts for most ‘nitrous deaths’.
✖     Never use a bag to recycle your breath, never put your head into any kind of container, never climb into a garbage bag. If you must reuse your breath, use a balloon, for it will fly away when you’re out of it and leave you breathing normally.
✖    Never have anything in your mouth for you will no doubt choke on it (gum etc.).
✔    Ensure that your body is in a comfortable, balanced position (I.e. SITTING, never standing, and as close to lying down as sitting can get), where you don’t have to even hold up your own head, as close to the floor as possible, leaning back.

✔    Baby-proof your surroundings – it sounds silly but you really could hurt yourself on something which you could usually handle well, if you try to handle ithe object in a nossed state. Avoid the hot, the cold, the pointy and the heavy altogether.
✔    Be supervised, but not too supervised; ideally, someone will be loading your nitrous for you because your motor “skills” on nos cannot be trusted to carry out a difficult procedure. Avoid fumbling around, wasting trip time and whanging your head with the machine by delegating everything you need to the loader, taking it in turns. Seeing someone else look at you will pull you out of the dissociated daze and make you self-aware, which can be fun, intense, or make you paranoid; to prevent risking the latter tell the loader, and anyone else, to stay the hell out of your field of view, or close your eyes.
✔    Use a GOOD machine, never a cracker, never an old, leaky machine. New machines are purchasable, but expensive, see this on whether to get one and which one. If you’re still afraid of frostbite while using a new, proper machine you can use a balloon to collect the gas from the machine and breathe from that instead.

Enjoy the ride.
- Sir Nosalot

If you’re concerned the dangers or negative outcomes of nos inhalation, or you can’t decide whether you want to take it or not, you’ve come to the right place.

Nitrous Pros

•     Nos is ‘the drug drug’. The experience is fundamentally different to everything you’ve ever known. [1] It is a dissociative anesthetic, with the power to disconnect every association you have learnt, potentially giving you an entirely new perspective from which you re-interpret reality with every single trip. Whenever you think you know what to expect from a trip, it will surprise you.
•     Nitrous oxide is a substance that is available over the counter. This means:
✔    You don’t have to deal with dealers to acquire it; no potentially dodgy meetings with shady characters. Buying it is legal.
✔    It’s pure, packaged, and untempered with.
✔    There have been no price mark-ups and dilutions by every dealer above you in the hierarchy, because there isn’t one.
•     Unlike most substances, nitrous lasts a maximum of 5 minutes (clock time, not perceived time) from the last inhalation. If you keep breathing a nitrous/oxygen mix, you can remain in nitrous land for as long as you can afford, but if you ever have a disturbing trip, you can always return to reality quickly.
•     Despite this, nitrous is not a waste of money, thanks to time dilation and the intense variety of experience, if you’re doing it right, a few minutes under (less than a box) can seem like you’ve lived lifetimes.
•     Nitrous enhances the effects of hallucinogens and hallucinogens enhance the effects of nitrous: weed makes it about twice as good, whereas mushies and trips can increase the effects of nitrous exponentially, beyond any imaginable potency.
•     Nitrous is the only drug I know which has a ‘reverse tolerance’– unlike other drugs, the more you have, the less it takes for you to reach the same level. Generally, it takes one box max to reach a nossed state; from there, each box will bring multiple trips. If you supplement with hallucinogens, each bulb can be a different trip.
•     As far as drugs go, this one is relatively safe and risk free. Inhaling nitrous does not kill brain cells like drinking too much will, though you do need to ensure that your brain gets enough air. The deaths attributed to nitrous are only indirectly caused by it, unlike everything else that alters your consciousness, nos alone cannot hurt you. If you want a vacation from reality via substance intake, nos can be your ticket there.
•     Beyond a simple vacation, nos has the potential to teach you a lot, if you’re looking to learn it. If baffled or intrigued, read about psychonauts here.
•     Some people get much joy out of combining nos and sex; it is a well-renowned fetish in certain communities. You’ll have to ask them what’s so sexy about it – the only thing I can think of is that it’s a dissociative anesthetic, causing you to break your regular associations and create new ones + the boxes have cream written on them. Interpreting that as an order and creaming one’s pants is something that could happen on nos.
•     Nos has the potential to be an incredibly social drug, if you can learn to socialize in an entirely different manner to normal interaction, without words.

Nitrous cons

•     Nos is the most temporarily addictive substance ever. When one finishes taking it and is returning to the normal world, securing more nitrous might suddenly become a top/only priority. This will wear out in a few minutes, but if you don’t recognize it and distract yourself from wanting it, can be unpleasant.
•     If you don’t appreciate the fact that it will have to end eventually, you could end up spending a lot of money that you didn’t plan on spending by getting more and more when you run out.
•     Sometimes nos can make you nauseous, though I’ve only ever felt this when combining 8 boxes of it with a pill come-up! Wouldn’t recommend it.
•    If you use a cracker or anything but a proper machine to open the bulb, you risk freezing your mouth/throat/vocal chords from the cold of the gas expanding. Use new machines, not crackers, plus if you want to be absolutely safe from this empty the bulb into the machine, then into a balloon, and breathe from that.
•     If taken without supervision or in an inappropriate environment (see second paragraph of this for a detailed account of what an appropriate environment is, or scroll below for dot points) nos can lead you to injure yourself and others, and can even cause death[2] – though very rarely and indirectly, usually through asphyxiation.
•     Nos tampers with one’s vitamin B12 receptors, clogging them; taking supplements can only counteract this effect to a point, after which it doesn’t matter how much of the vitamin you take, your body won’t be capable of actually processing any of it. Luckily, this only happens if you indulge in  very frequent intake of large amounts (i.e. every day for weeks, over 5 boxes). You can notice any deficiency by a persistent numbing of the extremities (while NOT on nos); if this happens, cease intake, take supplements, and wait – the damage is thus reversible.
•     If you are pregnant or breastfeeding, even thinking about taking nos could be dangerous; read more here.
•     Nos isn’t the most social of drugs, usually – it’s really no party drug. Interacting with anyone not on nos should become increasingly difficult as you dissociate beyond language. If you do choose to take it with others around you’ll enjoy it more if you have headphones on, otherwise your trips will get interrupted.
•     You won’t necessarily be able to remember what happened in any kind of detail. This phases some people; I, however, see no folly in experiencing something I might not fully recall later, due to the richness of experience that I can recall from my trips. Nostalgia…

There you have it, toss it up, mull it over, do what you will with it, but if you decide to go for it or know anyone who is, ensure that you (and they) know the following.

What is absolutely Nosessary [3]

Yes, there have been deaths attributed to nitrous, no, nitrous doesn’t kill you. Every single one of the deaths “caused” by nitrous has been indirect; a product of improper circumstances; preventable. Follow this simple list and avoid all danger (apart from the danger of not having a good time, for that you really need to read the second paragraph of this too).

✖    Don’t take it in enclosed, unventilated areas, because you could asphyxiate. This means you die due to lack of oxygen. Stay away from cars, unless they’re moving and the windows are open, and even then, stay away from them unless you’re inside one. Asphyxiation accounts for most ‘nitrous deaths’.
✖     Never use a bag to recycle your breath, never put your head into any kind of container, never climb into a garbage bag [4]. If you must reuse your breath, use a balloon, for it will fly away when you’re out of it and leave you breathing normally.
✖    Never have anything in your mouth for you will no doubt choke on it (gum etc.).
✔    Ensure that your body is in a comfortable, balanced position (I.e. SITTING, never standing, and as close to lying down as sitting can get), where you don’t have to even hold up your own head, as close to the floor as possible, leaning back[5].
✔    Baby-proof your surroundings – it sounds silly but you really could hurt yourself on something which you could usually handle well, if you try to handle ithe object in a nossed state. Avoid the hot, the cold, the pointy and the heavy altogether.
✔    Be supervised, but not too supervised; ideally, someone will be loading your nitrous for you because your motor “skills” on nos cannot be trusted to carry out a difficult procedure. Avoid fumbling around, wasting trip time and whanging your head with the machine by delegating everything you need to the loader, taking it in turns. Seeing someone else look at you will pull you out of the dissociated daze and make you self-aware, which can be fun, intense, or make you paranoid; to prevent risking the latter tell the loader, and anyone else, to stay the hell out of your field of view, or close your eyes.
✔    Use a GOOD machine, never a cracker, never an old, leaky machine. New machines are purchasable, but expensive, see this on whether to get one and which one. If you’re still afraid of frostbite while using a new, proper machine you can use a balloon to collect the gas from the machine and breathe from that instead.

Enjoy the ride.
- Sir Nosalot

_____________________________________________________________________________________
1 – Nothing compares to nitrous… except perhaps Ketamine (another dissociative), but only when combined with hallucinogens. By itself K can’t compare.
2 – About 15 deaths a year (in america) are attributed to nitrous, according to http://www.teengrowth.com/index.cfm?action=info_advice&ID_Advice=9333
3 – Nosessary, adj – necessary with nos.
4  – Asphyxiation often occurs as a consequence of using bags to reuse breath, reaching nirvana and losing consciousness there, unable to escape the bag and maybe even unaware that one is trapped and endangered.
5 – Why? If you balance your body precariously on a chair and then your mind goes on vacation, you could find yourself coming back to doing something ridiculous like diving head-first into a filing cabinet.

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space

This blog should distract you

from the mediocrity of existence

for a good two hours.

it distracted me for many more hours

Choose your distraction:

sQuotes

Hilarity is the best thing for all forms of “life-ache”, especially boredom. I have hand-picked the finest Demetri Martin, Mitch Hedberg & Jack Handey quotes for your amusement, add your own, the Demetri Martin post has turned into a huge database of all of the funnies he ever made thanks to comments.

Visual amusement

I’m not a drug addict, I’m a “substance enthusiast”. As such, I have amalgamated some material on the following topic – pictures, experiences, ridiculous theories of the mind formed on hallucinogens and dissociative anaesthetics, that sort of thing. If you too are a “substance enthusiast”, or if you suffer from self restraint but want to know what it’s like, click below.

Drugs

I also have a few entries which are best described as “mind-vomit” – I touch type, and sometimes the effects of the aforementioned “substances” make me inspired and motivated to expel the contents of my brain into wordpress. If you want to see inside someone’s head, these may prove interesting, or terrifying, but definitely distracting.

Mind-Vomit

I’ve also written a few rants disparaging a wide range of things, which you will appreciate to the extent that you recognize the joy that can be derived from the mocking of imbeciles; do let me know if you are an insult connoisseur yourself. If you happen to be one of the dim-witted individuals that I rip on, I encourage you to comment if I have insulted you, for your remarks will no doubt unravel a new dimension of retardation on your part.

Mocking

I am trying to cure the stupidity of the masses, not just pinpoint and ridicule it. Mostly I attempt this in a structured “essay-like” form, only because that’s the best way to convey a coherent argument. Have no fear, they are not the tedious, mind-numbingly dry essays that educational facilities require one to churn out; they have a healthy dose of ridiculousness and inappropriateness, otherwise I would not suggest them as distractions from boredom but, rather, potential causes. I’ll put more up as I sift through my computer and find them, they shall be philosophy/psychology-based, with a particular focus on tearing down religion; they should interest someone who doesn’t just want to distract themselves from the shortcomings of life indefinitely; creatures who actually want to do something about the state of things, if they exist.

Essays

That’s about it, time for ye to go back to the tedium of reality.

If you eat meat and your attitude to preachy vegetarians is “shut your pie hole”, the short piece I’ve written below promises a sure-fire way to have an answer to anyone who tries to convert you. You may, in the process of reading it realize some things about your culinary choices that could help you become more aware of the consequences of your actions – the aim here is to provide anyone with the above attitude with  a  foolproof formula for repelling preaching vegetarians! Handy reading for anyone who is eating meat, and it takes a mere 5 minutes.

Are you sick of vegetarians pestering you about your decision? Tired of being called immoral for something you feel isn’t wrong? We have the solution. In just a few easy steps you’ll find a method that’s guaranteed to forever fend off all those pesky vegetarians. It’s simple. Just inform them that:

This simple formula works without taking into account the complicated, touchy issues like animal cruelty and farming conditions, health risks and environmental problems. Now convert the formula into The Statement – “I value the benefits of eating meat over the consequences of doing so”.

There is but one catch. It is wise to have a basic grasp of the issues before you go proclaiming such things, to avoid sounding like a complete imbecile and thus fueling ethical debate instead of extinguishing it. For instance, you may value eating meat because you think you need it to live. At the same time, you could be unsure of the consequences of eating meat because you’ve never really thought about where it comes from, but you sure know where it’s going – in your belly. You will argue that you value your life more, but you will argue this out of ignorance. Vegetarians are known for their idealistic desire to counteract the ignorance of others, and if they pick up the scent of stupidity they will be instantly drawn to it. No doubt you will be plagued by their endless debates and unwavering attempts to educate you if you exhibit a lack of knowledge. You could attempt to feign knowledge, though there is no need to leave yourself vulnerable to being exposed and subsequently educated. Instead, we will tell you the basic details you need to know to not reek of ignorance when making The Statement.

How much you value the consequences of you eating meat must take into consideration the direct consequence of the loss of animal life. Animal suffering, environmental problems and other issues are not necessary consequences of eating meat. Loss of life is the only necessary consequence of eating meat, it’s the only one you have to trouble yourself with if you wish to avoid complications. You cannot eat meat unless the animal is dead, and your consumption of meat necessitates the loss of life. It’s best to be aware of animal suffering nonetheless if The Statement somehow manages to fail; more on this later.
How much you value eating meat should take into account your enjoyment of the taste plus your convenience in eating it. You cannot include health benefits unless you are prepared to support them with evidence, which will be quite difficult to find as most information associates eating meat with health risks rather than benefits. If you want to avoid your assertions backfiring on you, stick to the basics: nobody can question your enjoyment and convenience because these things are entirely subjective.
That’s it! Only three things you need to consider. Simply insert them into The Statement as follows:

“I value my pleasure and convenience more than animal life.”

Bingo! You’ve branded yourself a completely egotistical, self-centered, inconsiderate jerk! Vegetarians will want nothing more to do with you as you are aware of the consequences of your decision, you just care about your personal benefits over an animal’s loss of life. In fact, if you are particularly convincing, you may just be lucky enough to never again hear from the person you uttered The Statement to.

Of course, they may stick around and question you about animal cruelty and if you’ve taken that into account. Remind them that if the loss of life is not enough to deter you from your meat-eating ways, it is unlikely that you will be swayed by evidence that you are causing animals pain. You don’t care what the animal has to go through, as long as the end product ends up in your burger and tickles your taste buds. Right? You may try to dispute above accusation that you are a selfish jerk. There are other factors which contribute to how much you value eating meat, you may say. It doesn’t matter: this argument is stripped bare of anything which is unnecessary to simplify it and make it easier to understand. No matter how many personal benefits you add into the equation, you will always be a selfish jerk because you weigh these against life and pick yourself. If you’ve managed to afford internet access, you do not need meat just to survive. If you did, it’d be animal life vs. your life and you may be able justify favouring your own survival without being completely arrogant and self-important. As it stands, it’s animal life vs. your enjoyment, and if you agree with the formula and are prepared to utter The Statement, then your moral standards are far too flimsy for us to repair here.

It ends a bit harshly, but that’s because it’s going into a website that presents many choices to explain your dietary habits, and this page will be stumbled upon by only those who don’t want to learn and just want to not be pestered. If there are any vegetarians out there, or just people with persuasion skills who could suggest improvements, I value all feedback, I want to get this thing to impact lives.  I’m still young and idealistic and I believe that this upcoming website has the potential to change minds, save lives, or at least allow people to open their minds and start thinking for themselves and re-evaluating their ethical codes. Let me know if you could proclaim the statement and not feel a hint of guilt, any knowledge from meat eaters and their reasons for deciding to eat meat will be greatly appreciated.

- Miss Demeanor

]]> http://captainpinhead.wordpress.com/2008/06/19/do-you-eat-meat-be-prepared-for-vegetarians-who-will-no-doubt-eventually-try-to-guilt-trip-you-with-my-tested-foolproof-vegetarian-repellant/feed/ 6 captainpinhead the formula http://captainpinhead.wordpress.com/2008/05/07/magic_mushrooms_trip/ http://captainpinhead.wordpress.com/2008/05/07/magic_mushrooms_trip/#comments Wed, 07 May 2008 19:41:41 +0000 captainpinhead http://captainpinhead.wordpress.com/?p=34 ]]>

Feels much like this to me:

If you too have journeyed to the depths of your mind with the use of psilocybin and can depict said journey, do comment with thine own experience: even if it’s just a stick man + a few words, I want to hear how it felt.

]]> http://captainpinhead.wordpress.com/2008/05/07/magic_mushrooms_trip/feed/ 6 captainpinhead magic mushrooms http://captainpinhead.wordpress.com/2008/05/03/nos-is/ http://captainpinhead.wordpress.com/2008/05/03/nos-is/#comments Sat, 03 May 2008 08:16:34 +0000 captainpinhead http://captainpinhead.wordpress.com/?p=33 ]]>

The best depiction of nitrous times…

hmmm makes me Nostalgic…