Mitch Hedberg Quotes

27Jul07

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”
I went to the store, bought eight apples. The clerk said, “Do you want me to put them in a bag?” I said, “No, man, I [...]

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Demetri Martin Quotes

01Oct06

Slacking off on original material, propagating the hilarity of others instead. Enjoy!

“I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank [...]

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Jack Handey Quotes

24Sep06

To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, ‘Hey, can you give me a hand?,’ you can say, ‘Sorry, got these sacks.’
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their [...]

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Tags: amusement, boredom repellant, Comedy, Demetri Martin, Humor, Humour, Jack Handey, joy, Mitch Hedberg