Stephen Wright Quotes

02Apr08

The best of the best of Stephen Wright’s Jokes*

I can levitate birds. No one cares.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Filed under: Distract yourself from the mediocrity of existence with, Quotes   |  2 Comments
Tags: Comedy, Genius, Hilarity, Humor, Humour, Jokes, One-liners, Quirky, Quotes, Stephen Wright

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

27Jul07

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”
I went to the store, bought eight apples. The clerk said, “Do you want me to put them in a bag?” I said, “No, man, I [...]

Filed under: Quotes   |  25 Comments
Tags: Comedy, Demetri Martin, Humor, Humour, Quotes

I like the idea of emergency drugs.

14Dec06

You know how, during the Preflight Safety Demonstration, flight attendants tell you that in the event of an emergency, oxygen masks will pop out of the ceiling? My question is: Who wants oxygen? If I’m going to be in an emergency seven miles up, I want nitrous [...]

Filed under: Quotes, Substance Enthusiasm   |  Leave a Comment
Tags: Add new tag, Humor, laughing gas, Nitrous, Nos, Quotes

Demetri Martin Quotes

01Oct06

Slacking off on original material, propagating the hilarity of others instead. Enjoy!

“I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank [...]

Filed under: Quotes   |  189 Comments
Tags: amusement, Comedy, Demetri Martin, Humor, Humour, joy, Mitch Hedberg, Quotes