Stephen Wright Quotes


The best of the best of Stephen Wright’s Jokes*

  • I can levitate birds. No one cares.
  • I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
  • I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
  • The sky is falling…no, I’m tipping over backwards.
  • I’m a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future but only way off to the side.
  • Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
  • Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  • When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  • A fool and his money are soon partying.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered
    French Toast during the Renaissance.
  • I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
    So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
  • I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
  • What’s another word for Thesaurus?
  • I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
  • I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
  • I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went “Aaaaahhhh…”
  • I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did.
  • I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.”
  • When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
  • Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen
  • I invented the cordless extension cord
  • In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above…so I never have to go upstairs.
  • The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “right here, officer”. Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, “Get out of my driveway!”
  • I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
  • One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”
  • I bought a dog the other day…I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him…”Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane.
  • I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
  • When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
  • If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
  • Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  • I lost a button hole.
  • Right now I’m having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
  • I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.
  • I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

**this post is far from finished – I’m currently still scanning through a 70 page document which I’ve compiled by combing the internet for all Stephen Wright jokes. Soon, my pretties, this post will be complete and you can witness Wright in his full glory.**

If you like Stephen Wright and have run out of his material to enjoy, methinks you should go forth and sample my selection of the concentrated comedy of Demetri Martin, Mitch Hedberg and Jack Handey: they are of comparable hilarity.

*Feel free to add any favorites I’ve missed by commenting. Also, some say that certain quotes don’t belong to him, so feel free to correct me and/or squabble over ownership if I did err in gathering this compilation. Rod Schmidt’s jokes often get attributed to Stephen Wright because they look similar and people are fools, perhaps one day I’ll get around to filtering through his stuff for the best ones – till then you can see the good and the mediocre here.


2 Responses to “Stephen Wright Quotes”

  1. 1 fatjim

    “I put instant coffee in my microwave and went back in time”

  2. 2 fulkdj

    “It’s a small world. But I wouldn’t want to paint it.”

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