Do you eat meat? Be prepared for vegetarians who will no doubt eventually try to guilt trip you – with my tested, foolproof “Vegetarian Repellant!”

19Jun08

If you eat meat and your attitude to preachy vegetarians is “shut your pie hole”, the short piece I’ve written below promises a sure-fire way to have an answer to anyone who tries to convert you. You may, in the process of reading it realize some things about your culinary choices that could help you become more aware of the consequences of your actions – the aim here is to provide anyone with the above attitude with  foolproof formula for repelling preaching vegetarians! Handy reading for anyone who is eating meat, and it takes a mere 5 minutes.

Are you sick of vegetarians pestering you about your decision? Tired of being called immoral for something you feel isn’t wrong? We have the solution. In just a few easy steps you’ll find a method that’s guaranteed to forever fend off all those pesky vegetarians. It’s simple. Just inform them that:

This simple formula works without taking into account the complicated, touchy issues like animal cruelty and farming conditions, health risks and environmental problems. Now convert the formula into The Statement – “I value the benefits of eating meat over the consequences of doing so”.

There is but one catch. It is wise to have a basic grasp of the issues before you go proclaiming such things, to avoid sounding like a complete imbecile and thus fueling ethical debate instead of extinguishing it. For instance, you may value eating meat because you think you need it to live. At the same time, you could be unsure of the consequences of eating meat because you’ve never really thought about where it comes from, but you sure know where it’s going – in your belly. You will argue that you value your life more, but you will argue this out of ignorance. Vegetarians are known for their idealistic desire to counteract the ignorance of others, and if they pick up the scent of stupidity they will be instantly drawn to it. No doubt you will be plagued by their endless debates and unwavering attempts to educate you if you exhibit a lack of knowledge. You could attempt to feign knowledge, though there is no need to leave yourself vulnerable to being exposed and subsequently educated. Instead, we will tell you the basic details you need to know to not reek of ignorance when making The Statement.

How much you value the consequences of you eating meat must take into consideration the direct consequence of the loss of animal life. Animal suffering, environmental problems and other issues are not necessary consequences of eating meat. Loss of life is the only necessary consequence of eating meat, it’s the only one you have to trouble yourself with if you wish to avoid complications. You cannot eat meat unless the animal is dead, and your consumption of meat necessitates the loss of life. It’s best to be aware of animal suffering nonetheless if The Statement somehow manages to fail; more on this later.
How much you value eating meat should take into account your enjoyment of the taste plus your convenience in eating it. You cannot include health benefits unless you are prepared to support them with evidence, which will be quite difficult to find as most information associates eating meat with health risks rather than benefits. If you want to avoid your assertions backfiring on you, stick to the basics: nobody can question your enjoyment and convenience because these things are entirely subjective.
That’s it! Only three things you need to consider. Simply insert them into The Statement as follows:

“I value my pleasure and convenience more than animal life.”

Bingo! You’ve branded yourself a completely egotistical, self-centered, inconsiderate jerk! Vegetarians will want nothing more to do with you as you are aware of the consequences of your decision, you just care about your personal benefits over an animal’s loss of life. In fact, if you are particularly convincing, you may just be lucky enough to never again hear from the person you uttered The Statement to.

Of course, they may stick around and question you about animal cruelty and if you’ve taken that into account. Remind them that if the loss of life is not enough to deter you from your meat-eating ways, it is unlikely that you will be swayed by evidence that you are causing animals pain. You don’t care what the animal has to go through, as long as the end product ends up in your burger and tickles your taste buds. Right? You may try to dispute above accusation that you are a selfish jerk. There are other factors which contribute to how much you value eating meat, you may say. It doesn’t matter: this argument is stripped bare of anything which is unnecessary to simplify it and make it easier to understand. No matter how many personal benefits you add into the equation, you will always be a selfish jerk because you weigh these against life and pick yourself. If you’ve managed to afford internet access, you do not need meat just to survive. If you did, it’d be animal life vs. your life and you may be able justify favouring your own survival without being completely arrogant and self-important. As it stands, it’s animal life vs. your enjoyment, and if you agree with the formula and are prepared to utter The Statement, then your moral standards are far too flimsy for us to repair here.

It ends a bit harshly, but that’s because it’s going into a website that presents many choices to explain your dietary habits, and this page will be stumbled upon by only those who don’t want to learn and just want to not be pestered. If there are any vegetarians out there, or just people with persuasion skills who could suggest improvements, I value all feedback, I want to get this thing to impact lives.  I’m still young and idealistic and I believe that this upcoming website has the potential to change minds, save lives, or at least allow people to open their minds and start thinking for themselves and re-evaluating their ethical codes. Let me know if you could proclaim the statement and not feel a hint of guilt, any knowledge from meat eaters and their reasons for deciding to eat meat will be greatly appreciated.

– Miss Demeanor

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8 Responses to “Do you eat meat? Be prepared for vegetarians who will no doubt eventually try to guilt trip you – with my tested, foolproof “Vegetarian Repellant!””

  1. 1 Jill Kitchens

    Written very well!

  2. Your argument is compelling, but a bit simplistic (IMHO).

    As Tennyson said, nature is “red in tooth and claw”. Humans are part of nature. Our close relationship to chimpanzees suggests that we are naturally omnivorous.

    Does this justify our over-reliance on animal protien or cruelty to animals? Absolutely not, but it does suggest that our consumption of *some* meat is not morally indefinsible.

    • This isn’t my main argument – it’s just the one I thought people would be most likely to be looking for on the internet. It’s part of a larger site I’m putting together, which I’ve been researching (by talking to the meat-eating masses) for years.
      It’s becoming increasingly harder to work on changing people’s minds about an ethical issue when I actually think that there aren’t any objective values. I just don’t think it’s beneficial for most people to know this. If you already know it, let me know your thoughts – but don’t try to find out about moral relativism if you aren’t already aware of it, nihilism can dampen your spirits and put out any passionately lit fires you may have that relate to morality. Good job with your website; like I said, this little piece isn’t meant to stand alone, it’s a page in something much larger that I was trying out on people, seeing if they’re ready for my writing or if it’s too offensive.

  3. 4 Geoff

    I can tell that this is not the first time you mention this topic. Why have you decided to touch it again?

    • I’ve been thinking about it and converting people ever since I realized what I was eating; I think I’ve heard every single response humans have as to why they eat it, and I can knock them all down with logic; unfortunately that type of thing takes time, and money for a proper website, neither of which I currently have. Then this blog got too many hits a day for me to not put something up – it’ll be a page in the final product. Do you eat meat? if so, why?

  4. 6 JOSH

    I DO EAT MEAT. AND FOR ONE REASON. IT TASTES GOOD. PORK, CHICKEN, BEEF, FISH. ARE THERE ALTERNATIVES TO MEAT? YES BUT MOST OF THEM GIVE ME GAS AND THATS NOT GOOD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT EITHER, NOR IS IT GOOD FOR MY CHANCES OF HOOKING UP WITH THE FEMALE OMNIVORES I DATE. SO, GOD GAVE ME INCISORS TO RIP INTO A STEAK WITH AND IM GOING TO USE THEM FOR SUCH.

    LOVE YOUR SITE BY THE WAY

  5. 7 Chris

    I would like to add the argument of economy. Obviously beef is a large commodity that contributes to our economy. With out beef many of our dearly cherished fast-food restaurants would no longer be in business. There had been a high demand for the desire of beef and it’s taste that someone had thought about making money in supplying it. Trying to remove this, or convert anyone’s eating habits toward the opposite of the established trend would have detrimental effects on this economy that has been firmly established on the consumption of beef.

    • 8 you are stupid

      Farmers are parasites. End farm subsidies, and then we’ll talk.

      It’s awful funny how universal health coverage is communism and yet farm subsidies are perfectly okay. Hypocrites, all of you. Astroturf teabagger shitdicks.


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