Mitch Hedberg Quotes

27Jul07

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”

I went to the store, bought eight apples. The clerk said, “Do you want me to put them in a bag?” I said, “No, man, I juggle. But I can only juggle eight. If I’m ever here buying nine apples, fuckin’ bag ’em up!”

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. All you would hear is “Awww fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!”

I got a “Do-Not-Disturb” sign on my hotel door. It says “Do Not Disturb”; it’s time we go with “Don’t Disturb”. It’s been “Do Not” for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. “Don’t disturb”; “Do Not” psyches you out. “Do”: “Alright, I get to disturb this guy”. “Not”: “Shit! I need to read faster!”

I like to wear “Do-Not-Disturb” signs around my neck so that little kids can’t tell me knock-knock jokes. I’d say “Hey, how you doing, nephew?” “Knock-knock.” “Read the sign, punk!”

I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar, that flaps goes up to block you from reaching up. That’s a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. “What candy bar are you getting?” “That one, and every one on the bottom row!”

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines… It’d have to be real fucking big.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. “Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament!”

I bought a house, it’s a two-bedroom house. But I think it’s up to me how many bedrooms there are, don’t you? Fuck you, real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that guy’s house. “Sir, you’ve got one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don’t decorate it!”

I don’t have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

I wanna get a job naming kitchen appliances. Refrigerator, toaster, blender; you just say what the thing does then you add “er.” Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. “What does this thing do?” “It keeps shit fresh.” “Well, that’s a fresher. I’m going on break.”

I think bigfoot IS blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault: bigfoot is blurry. There’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside…

I saw on HBO, they were advertising this boxing match. They said “It’s a fight to the finish.” That’s a good place to end.

Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? Every McDonald’s commercials end like this: “Prices and participation may vary.” Now I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say,”Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets.”

This joke was on the other CD, but I added a new line, so I can’t fuckin’ rob you of this one. I got an ant farm. Them fuckers didn’t grow shit. I said, “C’mon, what about some celery? You fuckers don’t farm! Plus if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen!” That’s the part that’s not on the other CD.

I got a business card, ’cause I want to win some lunches. That’s what my business card says: “Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner.” Call me some time, maybe we’ll have lunch… If I’m lucky!”

I think they could take sesame seeds off the market, and I wouldn’t even care. I can’t imagine five years from now saying, “Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!” They’re gonna have to change that McDonald’s song, “Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a … bun.” How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? Thats fucking magical! There’s got to be some sesame seed glue out there! Either that or they’re adhesive on one side. Take the sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular! What does a sesame seed grow into? I dunno, we never give them a chance.

I shouldn’t do this joke, ‘cuz it’ll ruin my cover, but… I like the FedEx driver, because he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it. And he’s always on time!

My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.

I bought myself a parrot; the parrot talked, but it did not say “I’m hungry,” so it died.

I fuckin’ hate arrows, man. They try to tell me which direction to go. It’s like, “Fuck you, I ain’t goin’ that way, line with two-thirds of a triangle on the end!” Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow? That would suck; an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. “Hey, look at that dead guy… Let’s go that way.”

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.

Look at all the limes in this goddamn thing. This fucking thing is tropical. Look at the limes, how they float. That’s good news. Next time I’m on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I’ll be water skiing without a life preserve, people will say, “What the fuck?” and I’ll pull out a lime. I’m saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

I got an oscillating fan at my house, the fan goes back and forth; it looks like it’s saying “no.” So I like[, ask] it questions that a fan would say “no” to. “Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the [plug out]. Now you ain’t saying shit.”

I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal. “Hey, you’re using that machine to its exact purpose!” “That machine has been misunderstood for years!”

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I don’t know how to fix a car. If my car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say “E”, I’m fucked. But if the gas tank says “E”, I get all cocky; “I got ths one, don’t worry about it. Lemme get out the toolbox, AKA. ‘wallet.'”

I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I said, “Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!”

I’ve never stayed at a bed and breakfast, because I don’t think I would, ’cause I figure, you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end of the day, you start to get hungry. “Is that all you got around here? You need to direct me to a Chair, Lunch, Dinner.” I’m going to open a chain of Chair, Lunch, Dinners and put them right across the street from bed and breakfasts. “Come over, about…one. But you have to leave at eleven. ‘Cause you ain’t sleeping in the fucking chair.”

I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton. That’s a cool story. It’s as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton. I’ve done that way more.

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say: “Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there’s nothing. It’s just flat.”

I wanted to buy a candleholder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s like the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. “DAMMIT, OTTO, YOU’RE AN ALCOHOLIC.” “DAMMIT, OTTO, YOU HAVE LUPUS.” One of those two doesn’t sound right.

I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying.

Whenever I walk people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying “Here, you throw this away.”

I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I’ll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut…some sceptical friend?: “Hey man! Don’t even act like I didn’t buy that doughnut! I got the documentation right here…damn…I forgot it at home… it’s in the filing cabinet…under D…for doughnut.”

I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girlfriend in the tent. This is a really bad place to get in an argument, because I walked out and attempted to “slam the flap.” How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick?

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy so they start a waiting list, they say, “Dufrene, party of two, table ready for Dufrene, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say the name again: “Dufrene, party of two.” But then if no one answers, they’ll move on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry.

I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.

At the end of my letters I like to write “PS: this is what part of the alphabet would look like…if Q and R were eliminated.”

I like an escalator, man, ’cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an “Escalator Temporarily Out of Order” sign, only “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Fact That You Can Still Get Up There ”

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I was writing a letter to my dad. I was going to write “I really enjoy being here,” but I accidentally wrote “rarely” instead of “really”. I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, “I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit tryin’ to act as if I am a steamboat operator.”

I have a cheese shredder at home. That’s a positive name for a cheese shredder. They don’t call it by its negative name, because nobody would buy it: “sponge-ruiner.”

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that’s real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say “Sweet.” And then people would say, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’d say, “Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.”

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.

Having 3,000 dollars in your front pocket is a bad situation, I was buying some ridiculous shit, I bought an “emergency snake bite repair kit”. I told my friends “Don’t you even worry about snakes no more!”

I’m a mumbler. If I’m walking with a friend a friend and I say something, he won’t hear me, he’ll say, “What?” So I’ll say it again, but once again he doesn’t hear me, so he says, “What?” But really it’s just some insignificant shit that I’m saying, but now I’m yelling, “That tree is far away!”

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

You know, on a traffic light green means go, and red means stop, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means hold on… Yellow means go ahead, and red means “Where the fuck did you get that banana at?”

I have a hotel room and my friend comes over. He says, “Can I use the phone?” I say “Certainly.” He says, “Do I have to dial nine?” “Yeah, especially if it’s in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.”

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

This shirt is “dry-clean only,” which means it’s dirty.

The other day I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping somebody move. I went over to his house and made sure he didn’t start to move shit into a truck.

I opened up a yoghurt, and underneath the lid it said “please try again” because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yoghurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitchel, don’t give up, please try again! A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on Bottom, Hope on top.
I have a few cavities. I don’t like to call ’em cavities; I like to call ’em “places to put stuff.” “Do you know where I can store a pea?” “Yes, I have some locations available.”

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read it too.

Say, I was on the Craig Kilborn show, and the next day, I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport, a guy came up, he said, “Dude! I saw you on TV last night!” But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good; he just confirmed I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then i turned it back. I said, “Dude! I saw you at the airport, about a minute ago. And you were good.”

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son of a bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!”

My roommate said, he goes, “I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?” It’s like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s a very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know, because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. “Look what I got, motherfucker! This thing is useful! I’m gonna go pick something up!”

I like the American-Canadian border, ‘cuz if you’re walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can’t push you back right away, ‘cuz first he has to go through customs. “What brings you to Canada?”:[Points to the side] “That asshole.”

I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, “Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.

Hey, if you[‘re trying to get to] sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals; you will run out.

 

f you like Stephen Wright and have run out of his material to enjoy, methinks you should go forth and sample my selection of the concentrated comedy of Demetri Martin, Jack Handey and Stephen Wright, as well as this guy : they are of comparable hilarity.

Thanks to those who suggested him on my Demetri Martin post. Feel free to make additions if I’ve missed your favourites and I’ll update it…one day.

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Tags: comedian, Comedy, Demetri Martin, high comedian, Humor, Humour, Jokes, Mitch Hedberg, One-liners, Quotes