Demetri Martin Quotes

01Oct09

Slacking off on original material, propagating the hilarity of others instead. Enjoy!

  • “I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'”
  • “I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.'”
  • “I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”
  • “‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of – it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.'””I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it’s such…a specific item. I don’t know that many words and I’m going out…and I have pants. Perfect!”
  • “When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.”
  • “I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!.'”
  • “I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.’
  • “I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you’re in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you’re not it does just the opposite. It’s like, ‘Hey, there’s an asshole.’ But when you’re in the woods you’re like, ‘Is there an asshole out here?’ They look like trees.”
  • “I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.'”
  • “I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.”
  • “People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart… Especially if the human is kind of hairy.”
  • “Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants – uh oh. Bathing suit – okay. Naked – we’ll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?”
  • “Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”
  • “They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What’s his name? Patches? Patches what? That’s a dog. Don’t waste my time.”
  • “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
  • “Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown.”
  • “One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that’s a bad thing, but to me that’s just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That’s not an impediment, that’s suspense! What’s he going to say? Car?? …or Carnival?? …Carburetor!?!? Man…
  • “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
  • “About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.’ (Ladies, that’s not true)”
  • “I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.'”
  • “I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.'”
  • “I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. ‘Leave me alone. Can’t you see I’m cold just right here?'”
  • “I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, ‘Here’s to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do… but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.'”
  • “I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?!?’ ‘B-batteries!!!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.'”
  • “A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me.’
  • “I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there’s a note saying ‘I’m standing right behind you.'”
  • “I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
  • “I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”
  • “I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”
  • “I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don’t have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said ‘JETS?'”
  • “An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word ‘ladies’ to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. ‘Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?’ The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. ‘I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?'”
  • “My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'”
  • “I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”. I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.”
  • “The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
  • My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying “Oh, Steve’s really a cat person”. No he’s not. If Steve were a cat person it’d be, like, “Hey, Steve never goes in the pool”.
  • On same Daily Show episode, when asked about dangers of MySpace: “On the downside, it’s loaded with sexual predators. On the plus side, it’s also loaded with sexual prey.”
  • If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.
  • It was my friend’s birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word “Happy”… sarcastic birthday, douchebag.
  • “I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then Í said, “Does he bite?”. She said “No.” And I said, “Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? … Liar.””
  • “I think it would be cool, if you were writing a ransom note in Microsoft Word, and it popped up, the paperclip and said, “It looks like you’re writing a ransom note… need some help? You should curse more.” The paperclip would be all messed up, you know? I never saw a paperclip with tattoos before.”
  • Graffiti… I don’t like graffiti, unless it teaches me something, you know? Like “Oh, that’s how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn’t have known if I had not walked by there, thank you.” Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!”, “U2 Rocks!”. I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay!” “I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”, “This is a bridge!”, “That guy’s right!”
  • If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.
  • I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille.
  • I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me “Boss.” “Hey boss, can I help you, boss?” When they call me boss, I go, “I got some bad news… I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest.”
  • I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, “Ya, can i just get those sneakers in a 10?” And uh, he said, “Okay” and then he went down stairs. He came back and he said, “I don’t have a 10, I have a 9.” “Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed off. So that works out. Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, ’cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you’re right on. I’ll take the 9’s and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You’re re-hired ’cause you’re a genius.
  • A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color?” A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color…person?”
  • My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, “That burrito did not agree with me.” I was like, “Was the disagreement over whether or not you’d have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.” “I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, ‘I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way.'”
  • I’m excited to be here. I almost didn’t do this show, because I have certain requests in order to do a benefit show. And I said, “I’ll do the show, but I need giant gay icicles behind me or I can’t do it. I work with giant gay icicles or you can forget it.” It worked out, it’s cool, so they make me look cool and a little less gay than the icicles themselves. – melbourne comedy festival
  • I heard this lady say “I love kids.” That’s nice, a little weird though. It’s like saying “I like people, for a little while.” “How old are you? 14? Fuck off!” You can say “I love kids” as a general statement, that’s fine. It’s when you get specific that you get in to trouble. “I love twelve-year-olds.”
  • I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am.”
  • What do you call someone who can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle? Fat.

Keep adding to this symposium of Demetri’s funnies, for it will mean that I don’t have to comb the universe to update this entry, nor expend any effort.

BUT – this is supposed to be a self-maintaining, growing collection of his works, updated by readers. People have added quotes, which is great – others have posted comments that are entirely irrelevant for the making of a Demetri encyclopaedia. So for all other comments, go here – I’ve set up a forum-like contraption – A series of pages where you can talk about whatever you want. If you think someone has misquoted, go here and comment about it – I can change comments directly, It’s important to have them right, and usually people don’t bother correcting them or a little war breaks out.

If you want to comment on how great he is/talk amongst yourselves/debate who’s a better comedian/say thanks, (most common irrelevant comments), that’s fine, just do it there. Don’t force me to up the security on this thing by disobeying my request – it’s better for everyone this way, you’ll read joke after joke, not “I want to sex Demetri he is so hot” over and over from different readers.

 

 

If you like Demetri and have run out of his material to enjoy, methinks you should go forth and sample my selection of the concentrated comedy of Mitch Hedberg and Jack Handey; they are of comprable hilarity to Demetri but less appreciated due to their relative obscurity.

 

 

P.S. I spent ages combing the internet to find all of these; going through site after site of repeats and incomplete collections, so don’t just steal my list – especially without linking to the source; go through and make your own list or just link to mine.


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252 Responses to “Demetri Martin Quotes”

  1. What ever happened to Steve Martin? When I was growing up, he was one of my favorite actors. Now he seems to be churning out zillions of movie which don’t do him justice.

  2. 2 Bittle

    This Is The funniest Stuff I’ve read In A Long Time!!!!!!

  3. I take full credit for this hilarity, despite not having written it. I picked out the best ones and that’s more than most people do.

    • 4 ohsure.

      You do not get credit for anything captain pin head. You just have no life and chose to probably copy off other people’s list of great Demetri Martin quotes.

      • 5 Jake

        Works for Dane Cook lmfao

      • Good luck finding a list this comprehensive anywhere else on the net, I had to make my own! Oh and if you do find this, make sure they haven’t copied me! And I was being ridiculous, of course I don’t really take credit for demetri martin’s jokes…I cannot believe you would be clueless enough to think I was serious.

  4. 7 tim

    Geez. That’s like saying I built the Statue of Liberty by writing a book about it. Which I did.

  5. hahaha!! these are some of my favourite quotes.. I love demetri he’s one of my favourite stand-up comedians! 😀

  6. I just popped your 2007 cherry on this page.
    Demetri is one funny man, I will admit. One of my top comic picks.

  7. 10 Stefen

    This guy is so freaking funny! He is like perfect in his execution and timing of a joke. And he is a guy i would go gay for, but that is aother matter.

  8. 12 alicity

    so yeah, never thought a guy with a large pad, guitar, and harmonica could make me laugh so much.

    you forgot one of my favorites: what do you call someone who can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle? fat

    • 13 Axel

      he did put it on I think its the second to last joke

      • 14 Rachel

        The joke was posted after this comment was made.

      • 15 na.

        dude. axel is a kick ass name. wow. you must be a great flippin person. you have the same name as that guy thats wicked cool. and if you ever see this comment you should look and be like yeah my name is in-freakin-credible. just like planet fitness. if youve seen that commercial. demetri is the greastest man on earth. no more comments. he should also be awarded for his skill in life. so if you have an award and you see this, go for it. i dare you. well if you are on this website i am guessing you would be generally cool anyway. so have fun.

  9. 19 Christine

    I think Demetri may be filling part of the void that Mitch Hedberg’s death left in my heart……his disconnected style is similar, yet he adds so much that is original and provides me with endless quotes- you forgot my favorite bit about glitter being the herpes of craft supplies- its so true!

    • 20 Jeepgrl_81

      That’s my favorite too! I laugh til I cry every time I listen to this guy!

  10. I remember when I found out about Mitch Hedberg about a year ago. Even though he had already died, I was excited to find some new great material to enjoy. And then randomly catching demitri on Comedy Central last night, I really felt that he was a guy who really had a similar fresh otlook and perspective. I do’t really like quantifying anybody, but I’d have to say that Demitri is as great as Mitch was, and Mitch has become one of my favorite comedians of all time. I really enjoyed these quotes that you posted. Good job collecting them all in one place. I’ve bookmarked your site in my favorites, so that I can randomly come back and enjoy a good laugh.
    ~Jarod

  11. 22 Susan

    HAHAHA Demetri Martin is VERY VERY VERY FUNNY
    I love his delivery

    so these jokes aren’t as funny to read them

    “Hiking is walking where its okay to pee”
    –> something along those lines

    On comedy central.com, my favorite joke is the one about the charging ice!

    LQTM

    • 23 Rachel

      “Hiking is just walking where it’s ok to pee. Sometimes, old people hike by mistake.”

  12. Thanks for posting all these funny Demetri jokes.. they go by so fast, I don’t get to jot them down!

  13. 25 Creston

    Demetri is definetly one of the funniest comics around. I also think it’s so great that we are reminded of the late, great Mitch Hedberg. He’s All Time.

  14. 26 Casper

    this is good stuff

  15. 27 SeductiveTreason

    I recently saw Demetri Martin on comedy central, and i’m so glad I had a bad case of insomnia other wise I would have missed out on such a fantastic comedian. My best regards to the creator of this site as well.

  16. 28 Stephannie

    He is so clever, so damn witty… it’s sexy. I really love that guy. He’s my hero.

  17. According to Dmetri (favorite comedian), another bad time to have a heart attack is when you’re playing “Fake Heart Attack” followed by “Naps”

  18. 31 Tim Pigeon

    If there was anything cut from this i want to see it….this guy is awesome!!!

  19. 32 Suzanne

    demetri martin is funnier than dane cook by far.

    “a dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay”
    itll always be my favorite

  20. 33 kizzle

    I was curious about something. Can someone email me and explain to me what the following Demetri Martin quote means? “If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d just yell out letters.” I just don’t understand it. If anyone knows, please email me.

    • 34 George

      He is referring to the hangman game you play on paper where you add a body part each time you guess a wrong letter.

      • 35 Jake

        Duh lol you know, hangman? Like George said. that’s a damn fine joke. lol

    • 36 jacob

      its saying that he would think its a game of hangman.

    • 37 Valerie

      ever heard of the game “Hangman”?

  21. 38 Jake

    Have you ever played the game hangman? At one point in the game, its just a head with a body, but no limbs, and the player yells out letters to try to guess what the answer to a question or clue is.

  22. I didn’t think about the Demetri/Mitch Hedberg connection until I read Christine’s comment. I LOVED Mitch and I love Demetri. Both make me gasp for air.

    I do both of them in my head in the supermarket. (I would say to the turkeys, just be who you are little brother) (Grapes: the fruit of hope).

  23. 41 Collin

    You forgot the one where he Demetri says “I love to stand behind people at ATM’s and when they enter their PIN number, I say ‘got it’ and then run away.”
    LQTM
    -Major

  24. 43 Kevin

    Here are a few more:

    “Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies”

    “I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed”

  25. My favourite isn’t listed here so I thought I would add it.

    I love the living room. It’s very encouraging…
    I feel so alive when I’m in here.
    “what you doing in there man?”
    “i’m LIVING dude! why don’t you try it some time… stop dining”

    Demetri’s delivery is brilliant. You can hear it on the “These are Jokes” CD on the track titled “Remix”. One of the funniest tracks on the album is “The Personal Information Waltz” featuring the very funny Will Forte.

  26. 45 Jared

    Demetri Martin is definately my favorite comedian of all time, he rules!

  27. 46 Liam

    Demetri Martin is easily my favourite comedian. His random one-liners all just ooze hilarity. He inspires me!

  28. Good site!!!

  29. 48 Emmy

    Plus he’s cute.

    Haha, sorry, just had to add that in, feel free to call me a teeniebopper.

  30. 49 Parker

    don’t worry emmy, i think he’s extremely cute, too.

    i’m starting to like him more then dane, i must say.

    no one mentioned the carrot joke…hopefully i just browsed over it.

    “i think they named oranges before they named carrots.
    ‘what are these?’
    ‘those are oranges.’
    ‘what are these?’
    ‘oh shit.’
    ‘long pointies?'”

    • 50 Alexi

      I think it went more along the lines of:

      “I think they named oranges before carrots.
      ‘What are these?’
      ‘They’re orange…. Oranges’
      ‘What about those’
      ‘Oh crap….. long pointies?'”

    • 51 Long Johnson

      Dane is a horrible comedian. His style is “Maybe if I say my jokes loud enough and repeat myself so many times people will think I’m funny”

      • 52 Liz

        Agreed. He was only popular amongst the college-aged kids, and I use popular loosely.

  31. 53 Emmy

    Yay.

    I was wetting myself laughing when he was talking about Hot Potato.

    “Hot Potato would be a much more different game if the people playing it were starving. Then it could be called ‘My Potato’. Burning fingers don’t matter”

    That was from Demetri Martin, Person, I’m sure.

    He is very much like a mini-Mitch Hedberg…may he rest in peice.

    Damn that I before E. I would change it but my backspace button is broken.

    • 54 mike.i.am

      yes remember the rule: I before E except when spelling peace

      😉

  32. 55 Emmy

    I thought of another one of his I love, and I’m not sure if it’s up there.

    “I’ve met plenty of Chocoholics but I aint never seen no Chocohal”

  33. 56 taji tuesdy

    even in reading, he makes my face hurt from laughter.

    🙂 rock on.

  34. 57 CA

    (In response to Emmy) May he rest in PEACE. A working spacebar would not have fixed your problem.

    All hail Demetri!

    • 58 Dan

      A working spacebar wouldn’t have helped either way, she said she had a broken backspace >.<

      My favorite from Demetri Martin is this one:
      "I like to go down to the beach really early in the morning, before anyone else. I take a bunch of bottles and stuff notes inside and toss them into the water. When people start coming to the beach for the day, people go to pick up a bottle. Before they open it, I go up behind them, and when they open the bottle, it has a note that say "I'm standing right behind you" "

      Haha This guy is hilarious.

      • 59 Abel

        are you tarded? you could just highlight it and hit spacebar. lol

  35. 60 kyle

    men these stuff is soooo cool here’s some funny stuff in there >>> ‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of – it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.

    When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.

    I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.

    The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

  36. 61 heybuddies13

    yeah i downloaded 2 of his stand ups for my ipod.

  37. 62 bgal

    He’s so hilarious. He reminds me of Mitch Hedberg.

  38. Thanks for the heads up on Mitch Hedberg, I put a collection of the best of his quotes up on this blog too so if you like Demetri check it out.

  39. 64 Justin

    This quotes list wont be complete without:
    “I like the game rock paper scissors but 2/3rds. Like Rock beats Scissors. Oh man, these scissors are all bent I cant cut with them, you win. Or Scissors beats Paper. This paper is cut into strips it’s useless I cant write on it, you win. Then, Paper beats Rock….Rock is fine! There is no structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper whenever it wants. Paper sucks. It should be Rock, Explosives with a cuttable wick, Scissors.”

    “I saw a transvestite wearing a shirt that said Guess.”

    “If you want to make your own mythical creature all you have to do is add wings. A horse becomes a pegasis. A lion becomes a griffin. And a hawk becomes…….a double hawk (I’m awkward)”

  40. 65 tanny rimbo

    i love demetri martin. i hope he manages his career right and lands a movie deal. it would be such a shame to see him stuck in the pit of obscurity for the rest of his life.

  41. 66 blaine

    if you cant tell the difference between a spoon and a ledel, then you’re fat.

  42. 67 Hoady

    This is my favorite Demetri Martin gag:
    Cottonwool balls is an example of something I would buy, but not like have as a nickname.

    Cinnamon buns, on the otherhand, is something I would buy AND like to have as a nickname.

    People would be like, “are you Cinnamon Buns?”, and I would be like, “you bet your sweet ass!”

  43. funniest shit iv come across in ages the man is a comic genius, theres just something about awkward dorky guys and humour

  44. 69 Megan E.L.

    Ok so I’m IN LOVE with Demetri Martin! I love his smart humor! heres some more funny quotes:
    “Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”

    “I got some new pajamas with pockets in ’em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I’m like, ‘Where’s my planner? There it is. “Keep sleeping.” All right, perfect.’ ”

    “I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.”

    “A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.'”

  45. Well.
    Dizamn.

    No need to fuck me over.

  46. 71 Lauren

    What’s the difference between a childrens toy and an adult toy? Location, location, location.

  47. 72 Bob

    “Once my mom and I were driving to see one of her friends. She described him to me as a cat person. Once we got there, I was like ‘wait a minute’, he doesn’t look like a cat at all. But then later someone asked, ‘hey why doesn’t Steve ever go in the pool’, but then I was like oh yeah, he’s a cat person.”

  48. 73 Bob

    “How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.”

  49. Futon World – a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time….

  50. 75 McStewpants

    This is amazing. I am a HUGE Mitch Hedberg and Stephen Wright fan and I had never heard of Demetri until about 2 hours ago. I was in line for the Mitch show in maryland when they told us the show was cancelled, due to Mitch’s death. Heartbreak. I am in Iraq right now, and this just made my day. Genius. You guys were right. He is like the resurrected Mitch. You guys should check out some Jack Handey quotes, too. Amazing. I think I pooped a little while reading these. Embarrassing, I know. Don’t judge me.

  51. 76 ♥ h@+3_m3 ♥

    these are hilarious…really!

  52. 77 anonymous

    demetri martin is definitely one of the funniest people on the planet. and i absolutely love how his jokes are supersuper funny, but clean at the same time; any middle schooler can make a dirty joke but it takes talent to do what this kid does.
    plus, he’s pretty darn cute 🙂 oh, has anyone heard about his book of drawings? i dont think he published it yet, but he most definitely should – i’ll be the first customer haha.

  53. 78 Dan

    my favorite quote is when he is like i think they named oranges before they named carrots. what are these? they’re orange, oranges.What are these?oh shit, long pointies?

  54. 79 T-Bone

    my all time favorite one is:

    Pillow Fights

    Man Vs Woman=Fun
    Man Vs Man=Gay
    Woman Vs Woman= Awesome
    MAn Vs Pillow= Crazy
    Pillow Vs Pillow=Crazy Awesome

    game set match=tennis
    set match run= arson

  55. 80 Elle

    OMG!

    he is just so freaking funny!
    i just don’t get the one about the amputee
    one of my favs is
    ”this summer i learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool”
    when i hear this joke i almost pee myself!

  56. Recent Graduate from Drunk driving School
    Gold Medal winner at Drug Addicts Olimpic events: Launching of the syringe, Prison fence Jump with pole, Silver medalist
    at Boxing on Valium, Bronze on Three.eight gram relay and escape, Eventual finalist on the 12 mile marathon on heroin
    and oxycontin. Later disqualified for testing negative.
    Inventions:
    1. Nail filled toilet seat for Fakirs and Hindu priests

    2 Condom Recycling Machine
    3. Slightly twisted Drunk Driving Lanes
    4. Regular and Extra Crispy Electric Chairs.
    5. Sex Change Drive thru franchise
    6. Secret recipe for used condom soup
    Wicked Plans:
    1. Arresting a policeman for driving while sober (DWS)
    give him test. Take him to drunk judge who gives him
    life in prison.
    2. While still imprisoned,give sleeping pills, perform
    involuntary sex change op. have him wake up as a sex slave
    in Thai. Bordello.
    3. Use bird whistle to trick blind people into crossing
    busy avenues.
    4. Acquire small skinny mutts from dog pound, get poodle
    hair from parlor, glue onto canine and sell as is.
    5. Become a pimp for midget hookers, pay them 50% wages
    under the table.
    6. Have siamese, albino, transvestite, midget variety
    show, pay them 25%.
    7. Send multiple medical bills to schizofrenic patients.
    8. Send multiple ID cards to amnesia patients.
    9. Tell an Alzheimer joke and forget to say the punch
    line.
    10. Send fifty foot chinese bottle rocket to mars with
    skeleton of chinese man attached to it and wait for the
    first explorers to get there. Outer space Candid camera.

  57. 82 phantom

    chocolate bunnies > candy made out of bunnies

  58. 83 phantom

    There is an old saying, “people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones” That is just bad behavior. It should be, “no stone throwing regardless of housing situation.” Unless you were trapped in a glass house, then by all means, if you have a stone, use it. So really its, “only people in glass houses should throw stones, provided they are trapped inside.”

  59. 84 Shuttayouface

    “If someone asks ‘Are you ticklish’, it dosen’t matter what you say, they are going to tickle you. If you don’t want to be tickled, you gotta say something like.’ I have diareha….now don’t touch me, or your gonna make it come out…..and yes, I’m very ticklish .”- Dimitri Martin

    • 85 Kara

      Uhm, NEVER quote anyone if it’s wrong.
      That’s putting words in people’s mouths.
      & you just got that all wrong.
      Here’s the CORRECT quotation.

      “If somebody asks you the question “Are you ticklish?” it doesn’t matter whether you say yes or no, they are going to touch you. If they say “Are you ticklish?” and you don’t wanna be touched, you have to say something like “I have diarrhea, now don’t touch me ‘cus you’re gunna make it come out. And yes…….. I am very ticklish.” -Demetri Martin

      Also notice you’ve spelled diareha and dimitri wrong. But don’t worry i corrected them.
      Dumbass.

      • 86 006

        The poster missed a few words, it doesnt matter. It still got the joke across. The problem here isnt how Shuttayouface quoted the joke, its that you’re a bitch.

      • please stop clogging this up with your personal flame wars. Would you like me to make a special page where you can fight? Is that what you want to spend your time on, calling someone random a bitch? Do you think anyone suddenly realizes anything about their character from comments sent by people they don’t know on the internet? And why can’t you just email each other, do you need others to see that you’ve had the last word, complete strangers? Is that what validates your egos? You’re BOTH wasting your time, but you have the right to – just not on THIS PAGE ok – this is for UPDATING NEW DEMETRI QUOTES THAT WERE MISSED.

        Here you go – you can call each other bitches until the cows come home, ok? I’ve been more than reasonable here, please comply with my request.

        Here you go, talk to each other on here if you must continue this infantile nonsense – or step back and question what you’re trying to achieve here, and how likely it is that you will achieve anything. I know your flame wars must mean a lot to you since you continue to perpetuate them, so I will try to move your comments onto there. Failing that, I’m afraid I’m going to have to delete your comments so that they don’t clog up this page.

      • 88 JohhnyJohnathanjohnson

        What a Bitch! lol.
        I’m joking boss.

      • 89 Spike Jones

        She’s an angry elf. hahahaha

      • 90 Mary

        Kara: you’re not just a very stupid person, you’re also a complete asshole. Congrats!

      • 91 Annie

        ironically, you spelled the word “gonna” incorrectly. so if you’re going to correct someone, make sure you have your spelling correctly.

      • 92 Anna

        Kara:
        You’re using “That’s putting words in people’s mouths” in completely the wrong context. That saying is when you purposefully misinterpret what someone has said. I believe the word you were looking for was “misquote”

        Be more careful about fixing people’s typos and calling them dumbasses.

      • 93 000077

        WOW…What a total cunt.

      • 94 Juli

        You are way too critical. Bitch.

      • 95 Dick

        I can’t believe I am the only one to say good job on fixing the retard’s mistakes.

      • 96 samson

        Kara, good job on the most annoying post I’ve ever read. So glad you took the time to let everyone know how stuck up you are.

      • 97 residentdouche

        I’m also congratulating Kara for the correction. She’s not a cunt for wanting people to get the true quote. Shuttayoface needs to be taught how to Google. I love you, Kara. ❤

  60. 98 natalie

    ive been listening to demetri martin for years now hes absolutley my favorite comedian of all time. i think hes much wittier that dane, dane is hilarious also but demetri is an absolute genius, nothing compares to his drawing pads or when he plays his instruments as he performs. hes great…AMAZING!!! everyone should know this man

  61. 99 your mother

    OMG. Like, I would totally have sex with Demetri. He’s so funny. I love a man with a sense of humor, especially wihen they’re witty. The best joke is…”I got a haircut for the show, so I went in and said, i’d like a haircut please. But it must’ve come out, ‘Gay Beatle Please.'”

  62. 100 Fynn

    I just heared about this guy for the first time…I can’t stop laughing…

    But this one is missing on this page:

    “I am afraid of sharks, but only in a water situation. If I saw a shark on the street, I’d be like ‘what? Fuck you!’ It’s funny, that’s like the opposite of how I am with lions!”

  63. 101 Wa

    Kizzle — in refrence to your question: I was curious about something. Can someone email me and explain to me what the following Demetri Martin quote means? “If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d just yell out letters.” I just don’t understand it. If anyone knows, please email me.

    Think of the game “Hangman”, and then you’ll get the joke!

    • 102 AmberLorraine

      An amputee has limbs missing. So if they were being hanged and he was shouting out letters, it would be like hangman.

  64. 103 Ava

    u wanna fight me? thats right right i can take u! BAM! ur dead i win

    by the way thats not a quote that came staight from Moi!

    u know u love me

    thats right im gossip girl

  65. 105 dustin

    I remember when I was really into nostalgia… it was great
    Finger puppet is only cool as a noun.

  66. 106 dustin

    this guy kicks my ass!
    Stephen Wright, Mitch Hedberg, Jack Handy and Dimitri Martin carve those on a mountain.
    Jack would be hard probably because he’s fictional

  67. 108 mr body massage

    ” I’m in a weird situation because i like rainbows.. but I’m not gay. So, i wear a rainbow on my shirt – but then under it, it says “not gay ” .. but I’m not against gay people, so under that i have to put “but supportive.” I just think its weird that one group took refracted light. That’s preeetty greedy gays. ”

    great comedian

  68. 109 Y

    Thanks for posting these; I love Demetri Martin.

  69. 110 Dana T.

    i absolutely loved mitch hedberg. i can watch his stand up over & over and crack up everytime as if it is the first time i am hearing the jokes. a comedienne friend of mine told me that if i was into mitch, that i would probably dig demetri martin. at the time i had no sound on my computer, so it was no help to look for his clips since i couldn’t hear them! anyhow……a few wks ago i caught his show on comedy central, and boy was i impressed. he does have a similar to field to our old friend mitch, yet he is completely unique with all the different aspect he brings to the table. i love his imagination! he is so creative.

  70. 111 Dana T.

    i absolutely loved mitch hedberg. i can watch his stand up over & over and crack up everytime as if it is the first time i am hearing the jokes. a comedienne friend of mine told me that if i was into mitch, that i would probably dig demetri martin. at the time i had no sound on my computer, so it was no help to look for his clips since i couldn’t hear them! anyhow……a few wks ago i caught his show on comedy central, and boy was i impressed. he does have a similar to feel to our old friend mitch, yet he is completely unique with all the different aspect he brings to the table. i love his imagination! he is so creative. kudos to demetri! 🙂

  71. 112 Y

    Here are a few more. The first one has additional stuff to the one you posted.

    The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. Puh chuck; look at us. We were so young. Standing right there. Wow, where does the minute go?

    I like to do crafts. I work quite a bit with glitter, but don’t worry I make tough stuff like daggers and skulls. The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, prepare to have it on you forever because glitter doesn’t go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. It’s like, oh great here comes the sun; flare up!

    The straw is a great invention. You can drink without using your wrists. The straw is your friend until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then he will betray you and make you look like an idiot. I have to pull the straw aside and be like “What the hell do you think you’re doing? The last time I checked, you were right by my mouth. What are you doing on the other side of the glass? I don’t need you; you’re a luxury. The ice is even worse. When there’s liquid in there yeah it’s fine; it’s like a pool party. “Hey we’re keeping everything cool.” I’m talking about when I get to the bottom and it’s just me and the ice. I’m like, ok just one of you. Come on I just want something to chew on; come on. And the ice is like, “Hold…hold…everybody now!”

    I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought That sounds like a fair trade, especially if they’re crappy kids.

    I don’t like thank you cards because I don’t know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? “Man.” “See front.” I think they’re just really redundant. “Thank you” and you open it “Thank you.” Tell me something I don’t know, ya know. “Thank you; I fear dolphins.” This guy is grateful and interesting. And dolphins can be aggressive swimmers. You can say thanks and you can say thanks a million, but any number in between uh uh.
    “Hey man thanks 256.”
    “What?”
    “Yeah you gave me a ride that’s not worth a million. You know what 255 for questioning me. Keep it up stupid; we’re headed for thanks 0 and that’s no thanks. “

  72. 113 jonny

    this is for the very first post about steve martin. FUCK YOU!!! THIS IS ABOUT DEMETRI NOT STEVE!!! GOSH!!!

  73. 114 Me

    omg i love demetri sooooo much. this is a GREAT website!

  74. 115 anonymoussss =D

    Demetri Martin is amazing =)
    i will marry him.
    that is a promise.

  75. 116 woooo

    my friend just told me about demetri martin yesterday. he is so awsome! my favorite joke is about the ice.
    when theres liquid in there yeah its fine; its like a pool party. “hey we’re keeping everyone cool.” im talking about when you get to the bottom and its just me and the ice. im like ok just one of you. come one now i just want something to chew on; come on. and the ice is like hold brother hold…strike.
    lqtm hes so funny

  76. 117 That kid

    you forgot one,

    “If i ever have to go up, in a building, i choose the elevator over the escalator, because one time i was riding the escalator and i tripped, i fell down the stairs……..for an hour and a half.” DEMETRI MARTIN!!!

  77. 118 Sherrie

    I can’t even begin to describe how awesome this guy is!

    It’s almost like listening to a little kid (Except he’s way more coherent), his jokes are so simple and obvious… I think it has a lot to do with his timing and facial expressions. When ever he gets through one of his jokes, he has this adorable wide-eyed stare painted on his face; One that slowly curves into a little smile. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me…But he’s always kind of reminded me of a little kid because of that.

    It’s good to hear these goofy one-liners every now and again. Sometimes I get sick of the pop cultural, political and sexual based humor. His style and jokes are somewhat innocent, always irrelevant, and completely refreshing.

    My favorite 2 jokes of his has always been

    “If you don’t know the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re probably really fat”

    and

    “A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me.’

    I agree with everyone on here: He definitely reminds me of Mitch Hedberg (A very good thing). I love them both.

    Unlike a lot of people here, though, I hate Dane Cook. I think that Demetri could beat him any day of the week. Demetri is clever and witty: He relies on the substance of his joke, as well as careful comedic timing. Dane Cook is under the impression that IF HE SAYS HIS JOKES REALLY LOUD, AND MAKES A BUNCH OF STUPID FACIAL EXPERESSIONS, IT AUTOMATICALLY MAKES HIM FUNNY LOL. Not to mention that Dane stole a bit from Demetri once.

    Not only is Demetri original, charming, and hersterically funny, he’s also cute as all living hell. ^_^

    I hope to see more of him in the futrure.

  78. 119 Sherrie

    I just want to apologise for all my grammatical mistakes i my above post. I’m very tired, and I didn’t read it through before I posted it.

  79. I agree, Dane Cook has no intellect in his jokes. Also, his are hard to relate to, due to the fact that they only feature specific situations. Another joke that was left out here that I like:

    “I hate heavy doors. There should be a sign on it that says WARNING: You’re gonna look weak right NOW!…Why didn’t you tell me, man, I’m walking with a girl here. I dont wanna struggle to get into the bar.So now I treat every door like it’s heavy, because I don’t want to get burned again.The problem is, every door isn’t heavy, so I’m like slamming doors. And I don’t want to slam a door and not have an emotion to go with the activity, that looks crazy. So I end up in situaions where i go into a convenient store and i’m like BAM, i need some gum,NOW! I don’t have time to mess around, man, I’ve got some bad breath. Why is your door so light?

    Also, Dane Cook stole his “Not so Kool-Aid” joke from Family Guy, the joke involving a shoe store not having a certain size, several from Louis CK, and is suspected of stealing jokes from Steve Martin. However, if you watch his original Comedy Central special, you will find a different Dane than what you see today. All of his material was original, cleaner, and more relatable.

  80. 121 G

    AWESOME!

    “A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive.
    ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me!’ ”

    ROFL! Never heard that one before! here’s some of my faves….

    glitter is the herpes of craft supplies

    lqtm
    (laugh quietly to myself)

    I think they should paint pies on the front of trains.
    cuz then if it hits someone…it’s at least a little bit funny

  81. Lol, Demetri is hilarious. I don’t like the new comics nowadays who don’t have much substance to their routines anymore.

  82. 123 Dave

    “Jack would be hard probably because he’s fictional”
    Uh, no he’s not:
    “Jack Handey (born 25 February 1949) is an American humorist. He is best known for his Deep Thoughts, a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his “Fuzzy Memories” and “My Big Thick Novel” shorts. Many people have the false impression that Jack Handey is not an actual person, but a character created by Saturday Night Live or a pen name used by National Lampoon.”

  83. 124 danecooksucks

    Please do not even mention Dane Cook. He does not possess NEAR the quality of comedic material that Demetri does. And he’s an asshole

  84. 125 bigfan

    How to be a bouncer:

    1) Be an asshole

    2) Stand near a door

  85. 126 Demetri's Mom

    My son has the same name, same spelling (Greek spelling). That is how we found Demetri Martin. But we LOVE him!!

    Wow! Funny, cute and cool name (yes I am biased!!)

    We especially loved “If I”. Brilliant, funny, quirky and philosophical all at the same time …

    Note: “If I” is a palindrome, like my name (Anna)

  86. 127 dfn

    can´t help but strongly agree to the comment of Demetri´s Mom – discovered the “If I”-set recently and am very impressed by its originality ! really appreciate the wit !

  87. 128 Chris

    This one is also funny
    cant belive you missed it!
    “I have a watch that says its water resistant. It’s such a lame term. That’s like saying a watch is werewolf resistant. So i can put this watch on a werewolf? No, It’s only werewolf resistant, the werewolf will mangle the watch. you can only briefly tap it on the werewolf.”

  88. 129 dmdc fan

    I have been a long time dane cook fan, and just recently discovered demetri. I’d have to say they are tied for my favorite comedian because of their contrasting styles. How do I pick a favorite? I use quotes from both of them daily. Both are hot (in diffrent ways of course) and both are equally funny. When I watch dane I lol (hysterically). When I watch demetri I lqtm (hysterically)…

    Ps all u dane cook haters…fuck you your just jealous of his talent

  89. 131 tim

    Just some demitri martin jokes i typed up. Enjoy.
    First Joke:
    cottonballs is an example of something I would buy but not want as a nickname.

    “this here is leo and eric, and this over here is cottonballs”

    “how are ya doin’ im kinda fluffly”

    Cinnamon buns on the other hand yeah i would buy those and have that as a nickname..

    “Excuse me are you Cinnamon buns?”

    “You bet your sweet ass i am!”

    Second Joke:
    I went into a clothing store and the lady working there she got mad at me,
    and said “what size are you?”

    “Actual! this aint a trick baby! What you see is what you get!”

    Third Joke:
    I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles..
    “Alright everyone we’re done here! Awwww C’monn! Alright everybody make one more wish…”

    Fourth Joke:
    How long is it gonna take in our society to see someone with an eyepatch and not to think that they’re a pirate?

    I saw a guy with a suit and a breifcase but he had an eyepatch and all i saw was “Yarrgh!”
    “Off to me office? Hold me calls! Yarrgh! Where’s me meeting!?”

    Fifth Joke:
    Swimming is a confusing sport cause sometimes you do it for fun, and othertimes you do it to not die. And sometimes i go off of the outfit

    Pants… Uh Oh
    Swimming suit… ok..
    Naked… We’ll See..

    It’s like waking up in the morning you gotta check your outfit to make sure it’s cool
    like if i wake up with pajama’s on “alright.. i planned this”

    if you’re naked you gotta like check your surroundings
    Ok im naked..
    She’s pretty cute..
    What’s he doing here??

  90. 132 holly

    haha i just found this guy today..he’s so good!

    “If i ever have to go up, in a building, i choose the elevator over the escalator, because one time i was riding the escalator and i tripped, i fell down the stairs……..for an hour and a half.”

    “I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.”

    “If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.”

    “I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.’

    ..wooh. my sides hurt xDDD i’ll definitely be checkin this guy out some more..

  91. 133 D54

    OMG you guys still haven’t listed the best one…his delivery of it carried it even further…just calmly playing the guitar and says…

    “every fight is a food fight when your a cannibal”

    LMAO@”how old are you?..14, fuck off”
    already mentioned but worth another time around, the rare times he swears is on the perfect joke 😀

  92. 134 D54

    OH just watched the segment on my PC, and during his “adding the word ladies to the end of your sentences” bit he said

    “help ive fallen into a well!…ladies. Cmon ladies, its like a jacuzzi with really high walls”

  93. has anyone aroun here heard of Jeff Dunham.. And Dane Cook is a sucker for comedy… 🙂

  94. 136 Jared

    Mitch Hedburg and Jack Handey are obscure? In what world? And, if you’re going to take credit for his jokes (even though i’m assuming and hoping you were kidding) you should reference http://www.DemetriMartin.com to give due credit.

  95. By obscure I mean less mainstream (since I’m addressing the masses, I mean what’s obscure to them). You’d be surprised how many more hits this quote page gets than the Mitch and Jack pages – I’m just going by that and general media hearsay mumbo-jumbo, seems like Demetri is all the rage with the masses right now. If I was really attempting to take credit I would probably not name the page Demetri Martin quotes! And yeah thanks for posting his site – when I originally published this post (twas over a year ago, methinks) I didn’t know he had a page – though he may not have back then.
    Demetri’s in a ‘flight of the conchords’ episode – he’s not that funny in it, but conchords are amazing – you can watch their live performances and ‘music videos’ on youtube but to get the entire conchords experience you really should get their show (demetri’s in the last episode) – one of the characters (Jemaine) is clearly who Demetri learnt the “just add ladies” formula from, they are hilarity.

  96. Demetri martin is definitely one of the funniest people on the planet.

  97. 139 allison

    DEMETRI MARTIN FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  98. 140 Hitman Bobby

    “Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries… They Die. ‘Why aren’t you listening to your walkman?’ ‘I can’t. My Batteries died in my lap this morning… They were so young. The twins are gone.’
    If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… It’s a shit life.” -Demetri Martin

  99. 142 emily

    i love demetri, me and my friends r obsessed with him. ok i dont know the exact words to these and its 4:30 in the morning so im too lazy to find them but…

    theres the one thats like “i like statues. they show us what famous people would look like if they were covered in bird crap.” or something along those lines

    also he shows this pic of like a little circle in a bigger circle and is like ” cd or boob, either way dont scratch it”

    and (again i dont know the exact words but this was the gist) “I hate it when you come in for a handshake all trafitional and the person comes in with a fist bump. and then im like scrambling to update cause theirs is newer. so instead i just dont do it i just go in like… ‘paper covers rock bitch”

    “i love reading the box when im eating cereal and i always call into the questions or coments number. im like i have a queston, is your stuff good? and i have a comment…YESS”

    ok thats all i an think of right now…ll obvsly im a fan XD

  100. 143 Simone

    here’s one i remember from the 2006 Melbourne Comedy festival:

    “I bought a new pair of Pajamas with pockets, which is great, cos now i don’t have to hold things when i sleep.”

    He’s one of my fav comedians 😀

  101. 144 Robert Frost

    Photoshopped..lol

  102. 145 brian germain

    I think its unfair to say that Demetri Martin is as good as Mitch was, i don’t think that can ever be said. Mitch is my favorite comedian and probably in the top 3 of all-time. However, i would go on to say that Demetri Martin is the funniest comedian alive right now because that statement right now, would be true, and probably will be true for a every long time.

  103. Awesome

  104. Funniest comedian alive….hmm. I would have to vote for Ross Noble.
    I can’t get quotes of his stuff because the genius lies with the performance, his actions, and the fact that he literally pulls this hilarity out of his imagination on the night of any given performance. He might have 3 little jokes memorized for sprinkling throughout the show, but from those, and the audience, he concocts absurdities, on the spot, the likes of which I’ve never seen. His mind is wired in a fundamentally different way to everyone Else’s; and it’s brilliant – to the point where I’ve considered changing my career to “Ross Nobling”, just following him from show to show, since it’s all unrepeatable, lost if unfilmed…

    He’s not for everyone but if you’re fond of Mitch, Demetri, Wright or Handey I’d definitely watch this (the first minute of a show):
    http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=ish_Q8A_4z8&feature=related
    to get a taste of what Noble is about.

    Demetri’s jokes are magnificent, there’s no disputing that, but consider the relative scarcity of his funnies – he goes on stage and recites the best of his latest hilarious thoughts; his act is entirely preplanned. Ross just walks onto the stage with some vague ideas and improvises the rest, and it’s gold. It’s an entirely different experience of comedy altogether; if you liked it, get your hands on Fizzy Logic, Live at the Apollo & the rest of the show that the above groin-rubbing clip linked to. You’ll be off your tits on happiness.

    After him, I’d put Shaun Micallef – but you may need to be from Aus to know what I mean. Get yourself a season or three of ‘the Micallef Programme” and then knock it up a notch with “the expurgated Micallef tonight”: if you liked Demetri’s wordplay, I suspect a healthy dose of Micaleff may just make you cream your pants.
    Also, Dylan Moran’s stand up; but it must be viewed.

  105. 148 Jen

    i love demetri martin, mitch hedburg too (gotta get his new cd)
    they’re both awesome and wicked funny
    i love how they both have these random thoughts just stuck in the middle of they’re actual jokes 🙂

  106. 149 Chris

    Dude, we are so on the moon…

  107. 150 Jess

    “Worms and bears aren’t very similar……until you think of the word gummy”

  108. @Jen

    Uh, Jen? Exactly how new is this CD?
    ‘Cause good old Mitch died a while back.

  109. 152 Demetri

    i like this becuz we have the same name.. Im Demetri Martin jr. jk lol

  110. I LOVE his special Person. Every time it is on Comedy Central I an rofl. I am in love with all of the shirts he wears, they are so weird. I found the same shirt he wears in Person at http://www.cafepress.com/generationtee.205810333 !! I bought one for my boyfriend for Christmas, he’ll love it.

  111. 154 Leah

    I quite enjoyed the straw joke and I also found the ice cubes funny

    Have you heard moving up in a building? It goes: When I’m moving up in a building I like to take the elevator rather than the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. I just kept falling.

    (Sorry for all words spelled incorrectly. I have never been the best speller. Oh well. :])

  112. 155 aussypukes

    you should post the joke about his life when he said that he was a street performer but it wasnt easy……i lived in the suburbs……and i was in a culvasack
    there wasnt much foot traffic …..but when people would make a u turn id get em
    lqtm
    also you should add ALOT more jokes on here cause yknow most of us cant find his specials on tv that much

    he also has his own show on youtube and an account
    called “clarification” and animations done by him in vista
    also you seem to have not many jokes posted from his special “if”

  113. 156 Jenny

    Good one:

    “I saw a door onetime that said “Exit Only.” So I entered it, and I went up to the guy working there and said, “I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door here. By like 100%, man.”

  114. TlLMkv Thanks for good post

  115. 158 timothy

    I know someone who thinks exactly like this guy. hilarious. only difference is this guy is short. and not famous.
    love the ransom note thing

  116. 159 Jen

    omg! i love demetri martin, he’s soooo funny. I found one of his shirts and everytime i wear it i get tons of laughs! http://www.cafepress.com/generationtee.345118169

  117. 160 Julian

    “they should call fishing what it really is. Tricking and killing!”

  118. 161 Julian

    “a power nap is when you sleep on someone who’s weaker than you.”

    favorite comedian

  119. 162 Me.

    “I just popped your 2007 cherry on this page.
    Demetri is one funny man, I will admit. One of my top comic picks.”
    Yeah well I just popped your 2009 cherry on this page so there! now What!?
    but I agree. Demetri is a hilarious comedian. He’s like Mitch Hedberg except he doesn’t always use one liners and he’s not dead.

  120. 163 HOTPOCKETS-jj

    i noticed the past and present tense can really change the meaning of the noun.
    “What have you been doing?”
    “I was watching a movie, then I had hot pockets” to-
    “What have you been doing?”
    “I was watching a movie, now I have hot pockets”
    “Gross.”

  121. Thanks for collecting all these quotes! I was looking for one of his jokes, but couldn’t remember the exact wording. Found this, and bam, I was done. I love it.

  122. 165 Lara

    Flip his chart. And shows a circle….
    “This is a pie chart of procrastination.”
    hahaha.

    “No stone throwing regardless of housing situation”

    I love him so much.

    =))

  123. 166 Rachel

    I love all of Demitri’s material. He finds humor in every little thing and puts that into his act, and that makes him different and much better than most other comedians these days. And Dane Cook. He’s a funny guy, right? I have to admit, he’s had me rolling on the floor laughing several times. But Dane, like most other comedians, tells jokes in a typical joke format. Demitri on the other hand adds flare to his performances with music, the large pad and the fact that his jokes are random and usually about every day life. So that’s why I love this Demitri Martin. (I also prefer him because he’s quite cute ;D)

  124. 167 Layner

    Demetri Martin is probably my favorite comedian I’ve just discovered recently. A guy I didn’t see mentioned here at all is Eddie Izzard. Not that they’re at all similar, but what do people think of him? He’s insanely intelligent and funny as hell.

    L

  125. 168 Demetri Martin is Hilarious

    First off, I would like to say that I love Demetri Martin, and that I love his comedy. My favourite joke from him would have to be “oranges.” Oranges is a joke from his special, _Demetri Martin: Person._

    “I think they named oranges before they named carrots: ‘What are these?’ ‘Oranges.’ ‘What are these?’ ‘Oh, s**t. Long pointies?'”

    Thank you and goodnight.

  126. 169 Demetri haha ha

    I looked up the word dictionary in the dictionary and it said “You’re and asshole”

  127. 170 Brittany

    …ladies…

    HAHAHA. When he does that, it always cracks me up!! My friends and I do that ALL the time now….Hahaha

  128. 172 cassie

    to answer your question “If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters. ” ~ lol!~ an amputee is someone w/ no legs so if youve ever played the game Hangman you have to guess letters to make the stick person survive nd not get hung- meanwhile u start off Withhh the head so once u draw the body nd head they should already be dead…

    • 173 Rachel

      an amputee is actually someone who has had a limb removed by amputation. therefore it could also be an arm for example.

  129. 174 Colly Wolly

    I think he should create a chart for the see-saw joke. Where the fatness of the kid is the x-axi and the similarity to a catapult is the y-axis. And as you go to the right it rises with a (growth) curve. But it suddenly drops because the friend is too fat to get on the see-saw. And then it rises suddenly because the friend is so fat that his friends will go to extra-ordinary lengths to put him on the see-saw… Purely out of curiosity. Like, ” Okay I’ve got the wagon and some rope. Now wheres the playground?”

  130. 175 Amy

    He’s really not that funny

    except for the one of the sort of….

    • Do you not realize the irony of your comment? You left a bitchy comment to tell others not to do so. I’m blocking you, this isn’t a forum for your ill-conceived insult attempts.

    • 177 who the fuck is this rachel

      god i bet your as ugly as you are rude. STFU and take that shit elsewhere you fucking crackhead

  131. Nice collection. You’re still #1 on Google for Demetri Martin quotes.

  132. 179 Cee Ra

    He rocks my socks. Which are pretty awesome too btw.

  133. 180 louise

    haha i’m pink..funnyness

  134. this isn’t exact, but i like the one where he says

    i had a friend who went swimming with dolphins. he was like, have you ever been swimming with dolphins? i was like, yeah, what distance are we talkin, ’cause i was in the ocean once and i’m pretty sure i swam with all of them” think about that

    : P ohhh thats great. sort of.

  135. 182 I pooped my pants

    Ok, we don’t need a bunch of assholes copy and pasting the jokes I JUST FUCKING READ!! god dammit!

  136. 183 casanova

    demetri is great, ross noble kind of sucks. funny for a minute then just too coked out to pay attention to

  137. 184 Anna (person)

    These are some more,

    “When they were naming the animals, someone got lazy. Anteater?
    ‘What’s it doing?’
    ‘Eating ants-‘
    ‘DONE!'”

    “I want to bury metal objects that say, “Get a life” on them.”

    “When people ask you, ‘Are you ticklish?’, it doesn’t matter if you say yes or no. They’re going to touch you.”

    “I bought a dictionary. The first thing I did was look up the word dictionary and it said,’ You’re an asshole.'”

    “Doughnuts are round. It looks like a 0. It’s like it saying, ‘This is how many of me you should eat.’ Then I saw a bunch of doughnuts in a row and it said, ‘Oooo! Eat all of us.’ And I did, and there was one left, and it said, ‘O. Not cool fatty'”

    I love his delivery, it makes his jokes so funny! Now, I’m starting to talk like him (awkward). He’s inspiring in his own, funny way.

  138. 185 GLB

    hahaha, yes! demetri martin is one of the funniest comedians out there today. and one of my favorites is:
    “There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.”
    hahahaha, it’ll get my everytime…

  139. 186 Clae

    As much as I love Demitri, the truth is that with most of these, if you imagined them in Mitch Hedberg’s voice, with his inflection, they’d be so much funnier. Don’t get me wrong, Demitri is great, he’s hilarious, but his style is really similar to Mitch, and Mitch is my all time favorite.

  140. 187 Ashleigh

    God, I love this guy so much, it’s not even funny.

  141. 188 Samm

    Wow, I love his joke in his show about coolness, I think it’s like…
    “…Let’s take a stapler, for example. Not very cool. Add a skull…lightning…a switchblade…oh, and it can fly. Cool, but not really useful for stapling…”

  142. Oh my god, I love this! My favorite is the drunk backseat driver, classic.

  143. Love it very humerous. 🙂

  144. Ok, this thing is getting a little absurd and out of hand. If you guys want this to be a forum for adding quotes I’ve missed or haven’t updated to complete the list, that’s fine. That’s what people come here to read – but they shouldn’t have to read through doubles of quotes, personal flame wars, and other issues to get to all of the Demetri stuff. So for those of you who want to discuss those other things, if you want me to make you a page/post where you can do so, email me at kitten_sneezes@hotmail.com with the topic you want me to make the page about. Then I’ll make a link from here to those pages, whether they be discussions about favourite comedians or favourite demetri quotes; and this collection of quotes that has spawned a huge, disorganised forum will become a set of pages that I’ll organise for Demetri lovers into a working forum.
    That way when people come here, they get what they searched for – the most up to date, biggest collection of Demetri martin quotes, updated by fans with comments. That’s what the comments are for here – if you want to comment on other things, like your appreciation of Demetri or whatever else, please email me and I’ll make a place for you to do so!

  145. 192 BrokenBallerina

    heyy just wana say thanx 4 putting this all up 4 demitri fans

    he is the man
    🙂

  146. 193 Captain Underpants

    Demetri rocks!

  147. 194 aa

    GPA vs. # of limbs

    4.0 Good Good
    3.0 Good Bad
    2.0 Average Bad
    1.0 Your not going anywhere Your not going anywhere

    HAHAHAHA

  148. 195 mckenzie

    Demetri Martin is definitely my all time favorite comedian. Plus, I love his show. Him and The Beatles have got to be the only ones in the world who can pulll off a bowl cut! : )

  149. 196 tyler

    do the one about the attention span of him and a squerrel

  150. 197 tkelly

    I like Demetri humor because it requires a little thought and it doesn’t default to shock or vulgarity. George Carlin used to be like that before he melted into a grumpy old guy. If Demetri does do movies please don’t let them put him in a mindless, humorless film with sophomoric attempts to be funny all the while torturing the audience with lame plot.

  151. 198 argoego

    One I didn’t see on here was, “Meteor is greater than dinosaur.” Because 200 million years ago, a meteor came down from space, hitting earth, and rendered all of the dinosaurs on the planet extinct. However; Meteor can be equal to dinosaur. Why? Because if a guy has either of these on a poster on his wall, he’s not getting laid.

    Lol, love this one.

  152. One that i heard last night…

  153. 200 alammens

    One of favorites not yet posted (I think…)

    “I bought a clock and then the big hand broke off it. I didn’t want to through it away, so I just added -ish to every number.”

  154. 201 BrokenBallerina

    im impressed!!!

    u use big words

  155. 202 Lauren

    I’m in a difficult situation because I like rainbows, but I’m not gay. So I’ll wear a shirt with a rainbow on it, but underneath I have to put “not gay.” But I’m not AGAINST gays, so under that I have to put “but supportive.” I just think it’s weird that one group took refracted light. That’s pretty greedy, gays.

  156. 203 Broken Ballerina

    Heyy captainpinhead!!

    Have those people use the new blog u set up?

    🙂

    • You know that by asking me that here you’re disobeying.
      And I’ll just start deleting irrelevant comments if you people don’t use the other pages to write anything but new quotes.
      A tad hypocritical of me to be writing here – so I’ll give you guys a name to look up. But you have to watch him, he’s not quotable.
      Emo Philips.
      Also, if you people keep doing this I won’t just delete your comment, I’ll block you permanently, reveal your email to spam generators, etc. It depends on the irrelevance of the comment and the frequency of the irrelevance.
      Just stop fucking with it, I really don’t want to have to do any of that, you’re like children, and I don’t want to be your mommy – I’m your fucking captain, it’s my ship (blog=ship in my analogy), and you fucks are shitting all over it instead of rowing or leaving like I told you. Perhaps I was too polite and I gave the impression that I’m a nice person to insolent fucks. I’m not. Or maybe you don’t see yourself as an insolent fuck for posting here. No more mr. nice anonymous internet entity. I tried playing nice, and instead of courteously obeying my requests you now think you can address me personally? I have no need to correspond with a christian schoolgirl from NZ, ok? I’m sure there are many pedophiles in chat rooms that you can pester with your inane comments.
      Is this all because you think I’m male, and I’ll be so endeared by your persistent pestering that I’ll take you away from it all on a stallion one day? What possible reason could you have to do this, could you be so desperately lonely that you’ll lure others into abusing you, since that’s the only human contact you can get from this world? Why don’t you try reading instead of writing – or living, even. My vocabulary isn’t as pathetic as that of others, true, but what do you hope to achieve by saying “oooh you use big words” apart from sounding like a braindead airhead? This is meant to be a happy place, not a reminder that severe stupidity is spreading, adapting to technology…Blocked.

      • 205 captain pin head is a dick

        fuck dude. sounds like someone has a little small man syndrome in the real world and is looking for a leader role in an alternate life.

        get over urself. yea u made this site but who gives a shit as long as it is entertaining . u are no more inportant than anybody else.

        you sound like one of those smug little weedy nerds that takes pity on other people when really we are the ones taking true pity on you. grow up and stop having a fucking cry because people are filling ur page up with irrelevant things.

        you can call me a troll or whatever little word u nerds use to discriminate against normal people on the internet. but really. cummon. your trying to sound like some sort of super god on this site and that all should bow down to your great geekyness.

        And after reading this there is no doubt that you will delete this off of this page because YOU ARE WEAK and all you do is just hide behind your computer all day long.

        Fuck people like you are unbelievable. Who the fuck do you think you are.

      • I actually lost my internet for a month, silly me didn’t pay my phone bill.
        You actually don’t realise how much bullshit bickering there was on here, it was starting to piss people off who were reading through the comments for more quotes hey. You don’t see most of the worst time-wasters now because I have gone through and taken out the irrelevant stuff. I had to take an authoritative stance on the matter since it remains my blog, my fucking burden, to have my dashboard clogged up with “demetri is so hot I want to fuck him!” 10 times a day, worse still to have it disturbed by two people bickering over nothing. And it sorta worked, I gotta tell you – log on after over a month, not too much irrelevance, the only bickering being you, please move this conversation to the abuse bin if you want to continue abusing me.
        It sounds like I’ve really offended you, did you come across something anti-christian you didn’t care for, or are you pissed off because I had to exercise some power you don’t have? Because I’m telling you, I don’t want it! I don’t want to break up fights and have to block people! But if enough ninkempoops get together on the internet that sort of thing just breaks out. Humanity indulges in anger online, in places like this – people are much easier to e-piss off than to piss off in real life – because it’s faceless in places like this, you feel no empathy for your fellow man, they are but words on a page to you and you can let your wrath go on them without feeling bad. You must have felt really bad about something to get provoked by a measly few comments I had to write to end or slow down the stupidity? Aaah. You replied to that comment. You are that little schoolgirl, aren’t you – someone found a new I.P. address didn’t they!?
        Anything other than me actually blocking you shouldn’t provoke this rage, these assumptions.
        I don’t discriminate against “normal” people on the internet, I am one. I check things occasionally, reply slackly and waste my time trapped in the web sporadically. It just so happened, that I was the first to get all of the little pages of his quotes, pick out the duds and make a list of favourites, which I posted here, which makes it come up in google. I don’t enjoy having to babysit this post, but it was getting ridiculous beyond belief.
        I like pompous words, that’s the reason I sound like that. I write like that, I talk like that sometimes – though I do it in a silly voice so nobody gets quite so offended and thinks I’m trying to be god. If you wish to label me a geek because of my prefered writing style, how about trying not to read my writing? If I’m not for you, It’s a-ok, I’m far from being for everybody. Why would I pick a self-depricating name like captain pinhead? Small man syndrome? I’m not a dude, I don’t want to be a leader, I just wanted to write and keep folks entertained by sharing favourite things. Why does this inspire such rage in you? What has happened that makes you so easily provoked – is there no-one else to start a flame war with on here since I deleted them, and you just needed to call someone weak in your e-yelling capital letters so that you could feel strong? I hope it made you happy, gave you some sort of release.
        There you are, your comment remains. Happy? And I explained myself even though I don’t need to explain myself, I just am, shit happens. I could’ve wiped your little outburst out of reality. But I don’t think you’re angry at me, unless you’re the girl I blocked. I think the need to abuse others online comes from unsolved issues in life – though I’m no exception, I’m easily e-pissed off – but not that easily. I deleted the comments she wrote so you’ll always think it unwarranted – I did what I had to, to make it spam was to delete it, and it was becoming intolerable.
        If you plan on disagreeing/pleading for forgiveness/abusing me again can you please not do it here, go to the abuse page.
        But unless you want to be reading a reply, which you oh so hate because I took an authoritative tone once and you’ve got some pride issues, perhaps? Or is it the big words, do they make you feel stupid, is that why you keep saying things like geek and nerd? If it means that I’m literate and articulate things in an unusual manner, yes. If it implies glasses, pimples, braces, prolonged study and effort, you’ve got the wrong girl. I’m unbelievable, but in a different way.

      • 207 hazza

        I have to completely agree with captain pinhead is a dick. you are acting like your some sort of powerful leader. It’s a website, let it be a website, for some reason you think it is necessary to act the way you are. it’s slightly childish to be honest. i love it how the way you write, contradicts everything you have said in your response to captain pin head is a dick. for example im not a nerd. and, how you describe how it is easy to get angry at someone online. I bet you think your shit’s made of gold. you’re the type of person who grew up truly despising everyone around you. The world does not revolve around you. your parents might but nothing else does.

      • 208 captain pinhead is a fuck

        captainpinhead is the biggest asshole i’ve ever seen

        look how ridiculously long that post is, just to yell at other people here! thank you for posting demetri’s jokes, now leave us the fuck alone and let us comment whatever the fuck we want, fuckhead

  157. FUNNY GUY, RIGHT UP THERE WITH MY FAVORITE EMO PHILIPS

  158. 210 Edddd

    I think that there are hundreds of other quotes that you could include, for example from his “Person” show, but the ones here are varied and funnier than others you have missed i think. These quote are gonna be msn names for me for weeks I think and reading this page made me LQTM (perhaps a quote worth referencing) and I think its a shame that people use any kind of comments page like this just to hurl assumptions and insults at each other.

  159. Доброй ночи. Вот меня, как консультанта из Минска, волнует вопрос о отношении к нам, так сказать к тем, кто только начинает свою карьеру… Поговаривают, что в других странах в дни праздников, консультантов поздравляют, дарят подарки, а не обходятся банальной открыткой, как это делается у нас… Ведь это же несомненно и приятно и понимаешь, что тебя хотя бы капельку, но уважают. Расскажите, как у Вас с этим?

  160. 213 IamFuckingAwesome

    Angry people need to calm the fuck down. Geez. Fucking moderators on acid trips thinking they are the shit.

  161. I really like this list and I bookmarked it for when I’m having a bad day. so thanx!

  162. 215 chris

    When they were naming the animals somebody got lazy…. whats he doing? ….eating ants DONE!

    Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

    I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone’.

    I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs

    It’s weird the way “finger puppet” sounds okay as a noun… ladies.

    I used to be a street performer.. it was hard… cause i was in the suburbs… on a culdesac. Not a lot of foot traffic. But whenever people would walk by… id get em.

    I love statues…. they show us what great people would look like if birds shit all over them. Birds have no sense of history… Napoleon? Eh whatever i just ate some bread so I am going pretty much wherever I want

    I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said “you’re an ass hole”

    This summer at a party I learned there is a small but important difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool… location location location.

    When they were naming the vitamins they must have thought there was going to be way more vitamins then there were. “Okay lets name these! Vitamin A..Vitamin B woah slow down man weve got a lot of ground to cover. B2.. B3.. B4.. B5.. B6.. B12..” then they got to E and were like we are pretty much done… All those damn B’s… this is embarrassing… lets just skip to k and get the hell out of here!

    and my all time favorite

    I was in the bathroom stall the other day and started to read the writing on the walls…. someone had written “metalica rules” and then underneath that someone wrote “metalica sucks” then “you suck” then under that “FUCK YOU” ….. and I thought to my self, man… a lot of people shit with pens…. and why dont I have one? ….cause “Toy Story 2 was okay!”

  163. 216 Danielle

    “If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.”

    This will always be my favorite one. =)

  164. 217 Lhory

    “If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find…..whenever I have to read an autobiography I just read the ‘About the Author’ section. I’m like ‘DONE, NEXT!’ ”

    🙂

  165. This read was really worthwhile, the information was absolutely great! Keep up the good work.

  166. I admire your web page , its filled of lot of information. You just got a perennial visitor of this site!

  167. 220 Rican

    “Get well soon? Fuck that. Get well NOW.”

  168. Hello. Great job, if I wasn’t so busy with my school work I read your entire site. Thanks!

  169. 222 BJ

    His comedy style reminds me of Mitch…

  170. 223 gthang

    “Why aren’t there any ‘B’ batteries? Probably because people would think you were stuttering.
    Excuse me, I would like some B-batteries.
    What?
    B-batteries, do you have any?

  171. I LOVE Demetri; I love that his jokes are so simple yet unique. ike no one would ever point out these things! And they’re soo random! Ur awesome to put this up!

  172. 225 ANERCEBAB

    She let her gaze trail slowly up the smooth, bare skin of his legs. Savous sighed, closing his eyes and sinking against the rock wall behind him. Lanthan saw her move. He really was afraid. Hands closed over her shoulders, distantly felt. He came up beside her, extinguishing the magelight. She finished off her wine and set her goblet aside. Appalled, Eyrhaens mouth fell open. Hyles strong arms tightened about her, and he sat back, pulling her into his lap. Anything but admit she was wrong, even if she now knew she had been. What do you think, Tyk? She didnt want to know what Nialdlye had to say. She swallowed over a lump in her throat. His body shook, his thrusts gone ragged. She barely heard Lanthans cry, somewhat felt his thrusts. She turned her head to find Tykirs soft lips. For you, came his hidden thought, I would make time. It wasnt real, you know. She was so close He switched his hold as he knelt on the mattress.

  173. 226 Gabriella

    “Dream catchers work…if your dream…is to be gay.” (One of my favorites!!!)

  174. I absolutely LOVE Demetri Martin. He’s so clever, talented, and funny! 🙂

    I really liked the quote, “Graffiti… I don’t like graffiti, unless it teaches me something, you know? Like “Oh, that’s how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn’t have known if I had not walked by there, thank you.” Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!”, “U2 Rocks!”. I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay!” “I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”, “This is a bridge!”, “That guy’s right!” especially, because it mentions U2, my favorite band.

    U2 rocks! And so does Demetri Martin! :mrgreen:

  175. 228 Gaby

    Here’s another one. 🙂

    “Breakdown of Hummer Owners: Tough guys come in at 43% of the owners. Pricks are 27%. Douchebags are 15%. Now Dildoes are ALMOST 15%, and this is interesting ’cause, I never had to pluralize “dildo” before…(I don’t know if that’s right, it looks like “dil does”)….and I hope I never have to again. Like in a deposition or something..”How many dildoes were there?” “..I don’t know, but I’m sore and I want to go home..”

  176. 229 Mo

    @Stefen
    Please don’t say that anymore 😛

  177. 230 mike.i.am

    Demetri is brilliant and hilarious. I like his witty, casual approach to comedy.

    Thanks for this site.

    I’m sure there are countless other quotes you could add.. I’m trying to recall some…

    “After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.”

    I like when he was inventing his own sayings:

    Grandpa’s eyebrows = All over the place

    Eating rice with stilts = Over doing it

    Trying to meet the Mayor twice = Being a pushy asshole trying to gain more than you should

  178. 231 Zeke

    The last thing you would wanna hear when asking someone if they wanna see pictures of your kid is, “oh yea…I got some photos of your kid too”

  179. 232 Brian

    “The other day I found out that there is a very big difference between Peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool……location location location” – DM haha… best thought ever.

  180. 234 alisha

    i dont get the whats your favorite color….person joke!

    • 235 Nick

      like asking a person whether they prefer black people or white people. not such a great topic to bring up in a conversation.

  181. 236 andre

    you need the joke where he says “dont talk to strangers, unless you ever want to meet someone”

  182. 237 Ayla

    Funniest shit in the world.

  183. 238 Lisa

    The best joke is absolutely the glitter/herpes joke…

  184. 239 K@

    I know a couple, they’re something like:

    “I want to make a rotating door that says pull on it, just to see how obedient people are. They’ll walk up and be like, ‘oh it’s one of these, sorry! sorry, it’s not me it’s the door I swear!”

    “There are certain situations in which something can be good, bad, or interesting, like screaming for help.
    Good: When you’re trapped in an elevator.
    Bad: When you’re failing a test
    Interesting: When you’re in an elevator and it’s not stuck.”

    “When you’re lost, and you have a map, people are inclined to help you. However, I find that its a different story when you have a globe. ‘Excuse me, could you show me where the mall is?'”

    “I want to launch a globe into outerspace just to mess with the astronauts, they’ll see it and be like. ‘Captin? We are way farther than I thought we were…'”

    “I think it’d be cool if you were writing a ransom note on the computer and it had a paper clip that popped up and said ‘I see you’re writing a ransom note, need help? Try using stronger language, you’ll get more money!’ ‘Thanks paperclip with a tatto! Nice bandana.'”

    “A lot of people like lollipops, I don’t like lollipops. To me lollipops are like hard candy plus garbage. I don’t need a handle, just give me the candy.”

    “Alot of people type lol when they’re texting, I don’t. I like to be more honest. I say lqtm; Laugh Quietly To Myself”

    Yeah, I can’t spell and when on the computer and not compleating a homework assignment I tend to forget all rules of grammar, so sorry… and please don’t get all Rawr rawr rawr about me not qouting something exactly right, I said something like. lqtm

  185. 240 K@

    Oh, I forgot Two of my very favorites:

    “I wonder how good the spotlight guy is…” Then he darts the opposite direction. “Pretty good…”

    “I wonder what the smallest sized trash can I can get is to put on my curb and have them empty it and put it back. ‘I hate this guy! I hate this guy and his freakin tiny garbage cans. Four, really? Four tiny garbage cans are you kidding me? And he chained them up, man, come on!’ Then one time I’d leave a tiny sweater by the cans. Then he’ll be like, ‘Wait a minute, this guys not a jerk! We have a tiny resident living here, this is appropriately sized… Regular sized house, though, he’s doing quite well for himself.'”

    I think those are my two all time favorite jokes by anyone out there.

  186. 241 taychin

    I have a quote:
    “A mobile home with a flat tyre is a home”

  187. 242 Vectorially gifted

    This is a great list. Definitely going to copy and paste this onto my blog!!! 😀


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