Ancient Arrogance – The Basic Principles of Jerkness (a satire of human behaviour)
Being a Jerk can be incredibly fulfilling. By reading this article you are taking the first step to becoming a complete and utter Jerk with little or no regard for anyone but yourself. Upon completion of this basic training, you will be able to re-enter into society and “Jerk it up a notch” with your shameless egotistical behaviour. You will find that once you start practicing, your Jerk tactics will naturally escalate until you find yourself disregarding people in ways you’ve never before thought possible.
Before we begin the training process, it is important to acknowledge why being a jerk is the right choice for you. Too often we hear of the many merits of being a nice or generous person. These are in fact completely fictitious. We are told of supernatural authorities like “God” or “Karma” who will punish us for being Jerks and reward us for selfless behaviour. If you are one of the mindless drones currently behaving for the sake of something that is entirely beyond your knowledge and understanding, consider this: if you are wrong, then you have wasted thousands of opportunities to be a complete jerk and squeeze what you want out of life by trampling on the lives of others. If you are in fact right, Jerks like me will not be sent to hell, for being the almighty, all good and all knowing comes with certain responsibilities (I know this from experience). One of these responsibilities is to not allow your creation to fester in misery for thousands of years and then judge people based on their actions in this hell. Another responsibility would be to create beings that don’t tend to sway towards the behaviours that you yourself will forbid them to exhibit. Have you ever noticed that our instincts tell us to do exactly what “god” tells us to avoid? If one is all-powerful, one can avoid creating beings with such obvious “glitches” in their genetic makeup. Regardless, after a rich life of Jerkness you’d let one slide for God and ask for his forgiveness on your deathbed. Then you’re in, but remember – heaven is a place where everyone is happy. If this is to be logically possible, it would follow that nobody could be a Jerk in heaven, because that tends to make everyone but the Jerk unhappy. Think carefully before asking for an invite to a place where you may be forced into censoring yourself. Assuming now that God is a product of thousands of years of mankind’s denial of their own mortality (so deeply ingrained that we can never even imagine what it would be like to cease existing), say you pursue a life of giving instead of taking, a life of harmony with your fellow hair-challenged monkeys. In the end, you will die, all of the people you’ve ever been good to will die, your children will die, and eventually the sun will explode – obliterating once and for all any good that you had ever achieved by sacrificing your own will to be a good person and do right by others. Barring supernatural authorities that could reward you, what possible benefits could there be for nice and selfless behaviour? I have no idea. Google, the largest search engine known to man, has no idea.
The very fact that an article exists which explicitly ordains the many merits of Jerkdom (without relying on supernatural flibbedy floop), whilst no such article exists for being a good person should be a good example of why God doesn’t exist. How is he herding the gullible sheep he has created? By allowing this type of thing to be published? Shouldn’t he smite me before I can get my evil grip on your fragile mind? Given the magnitude of his previous “miracles”, I’m sure he could afford to smite me just a little if it would mean that you readers would get to avoid such explicit blasphemy. Maybe just disconnect my internet for a week. Or make one of the websites that doesn’t yet exist because nobody has any idea why we should be “good” people. For someone who created the universe in 7 days, this would not be difficult. And yet he refuses the basic upkeep requirements that would satisfy his creation. Why were we abandoned? Religious people will tell you that we have a choice, and evil in the universe comes from human evil. This doesn’t explain natural disasters, and it paints a very unsatisfying portrayal of “God”. It’s like a father beating a son for the sake of the son learning about his “free will” to ask the father to help him mend his broken limbs. So you see, if God does exist, he would be the Pinnacle of Jerkness. To create beings and then plunge them into this world to feel the pain of our existence, just so we can “choose” to follow him, and then to let us into a place where we can’t exercise our rights to Jerkdom? That sounds like the plan that only the epitome of all that is Jerk could ever concoct.
If you are still unconvinced by my striking arguments against fearing the path of the Jerk, then cease reading. You are a pinhead and you probably wouldn’t have made a very good Jerk anyway. I bet you like to think there’s something inherently worthwhile about being a good person. Well, good luck with that. Nothing has value unless we assign value to it, people will not return your altruism, and nobody will be better off. Congratulations, you’ve wasted your time and energy achieving nothing for anyone, especially yourself.
For those still interested in pursuing a life of passionate self-interest, read on. The next part of this paper will help you choose a Jerk type tailored to your personality and get you started on achieving whatever it is that you want.
There are several paths you can take on the road to Jerkness. The first decision you will have to make is whether you chose to be a covert jerk or an overt jerk. There are pros and cons to either selection. Being an undercover jerk will require certain stealth on your part, to conceal your selfish pursuits and egotistical philosophy from those around you. It is unwise to choose this option if you’re not particularly clever or quick-witted, for if you are unable to successfully obscure your selfish behaviour or generate plausible justifications for it, you will not only be forced into the overt strand of Jerkness, you may be forced into exile from Jerkness itself. For the overt Jerk requires a sense of confidence about them, and you can’t very well pull that off when people know you’ve been trying to hide what a Jerk you truly are. Thus the choice of covert jerk could essentially force one into Selfless, Altruistic Behaviour, which we already know has no merit whatsoever (for you anyway, and who cares about anyone else). The benefits of successfully disguising your motivations should be obvious. People don’t like Jerks, and if someone doesn’t like you, you are less likely to get whatever you want from them. There are several surprisingly effective ways of camouflaging your inner Jerk, some of which actually eventuate in others being more likely to give you whatever you want out of pity or love. Specific instructions for masquerading your behaviour to heed benefits for you cannot be outlined here, due to time constraints. They will be dealt with in depth in my upcoming book – “The comprehensive guide to being a Jerk & why you should embrace it”.
Overt Jerks are more obvious to all and thus face the potential danger of being disliked and consequently not gaining full access to the products and services that others have available. However, though people may not like overt Jerks, they may still obey overt Jerks out of fear. Yes, much like the Christian god and terrorists you can scare people into conforming to your desires. By emanating an attitude of confidence you too can have minions of your own. If you are constantly insulting people and using them for their possessions and services, they will simply assume that you’re higher up on some social hierarchy unseen to them. This is because precious few know about the principles of Jerkness, and hopefully it will remain so despite this one-of-a-kind expose. Using words like “strong” “goal-orientated” or “motivated” to describe yourself will attract people to your cause (generally your cause will simply be “yourself” ) , though technically it is a little on the covert side of the scale. The line between the two tends to blur and though you may primarily operate overtly, covert techniques can still be handy to use periodically and visa versa.
What you must remember, as an overt Jerk, is that people are sheep. Most have no real reasoning capacities at all, let alone a well thought out reason for why they’re doing what they’re doing. If you come along and affirm that they should be doing other things, they aren’t going to argue, because it’s much easier to be governed than to take a step back and reflect on your life, find your own meaning. This only works when you want something from someone that they don’t really hold an opinion about, or if they are incredibly stupid and gullible – luckily that’s the majority of mankind. Start small and work your way up. Begin by asserting, subtly if necessary, that you know all there is to know about life and have it figured out. Then let them in on the fact that you could sure use “that thing” in your grand master plan to achieving world peace/domination (insert anything that you think they’ll want to support). Or take the open approach and simply tell them you think it’s best that you gain ownership of the object, because that would be best for you, and you’re a selfish Jerk. You’d be surprised at how many people misinterpret this blinding honesty as humour and begin to donate things to you on the basis of your supposed “hilarity”.
That’s all well and good, you say, but getting things others don’t really want isn’t enough for me. I want the things they really want, and their money, and to be put on their will and waited on hand and foot. If this is you, then Jerkness is truly the best option for you, because you will have all these things, and then some.
You may be puzzled as to my use of the word Jerk in this article. Generally, the definition of a Jerk is something derogatory like “a dull stupid fatuous person”, or something more adequate such as “foolish, rude, immature, stupid, or contemptible person” in the slang sense of the word. Both of these definitions fall short of the quality of Jerkness that I hope to cultivate in myself and in all those who follow the way to Jerkdom. My Jerk is someone who disregards others for the sake of getting their way, and yes that may include being rude or immature, but never stupid or foolish. For the Jerk has long thought out exactly what they want out of life and the best methods of getting it, they are actively pursuing their goal and hopefully not fucking up too much along the way. Stupid people do not make successful Jerks, they fail. The Jerk acknowledges that others may have contradicting goals in life, he simply doesn’t take those goals into consideration. The Jerk knows that he is far above the rest of mankind, forever looking down into the sea of pathetic zombie-like creatures going about their mundane lives. He can step down from his pedestal, but to interact with the fools he must trample on their heads, for if he ever risks lowering himself to their level he may be sucked deep into the depths of mediocrity and pleasantness. The mindset of your vast superiority to the majority of people (obviously not to me, for I wrote the book on Jerkdom, or will, eventually) is crucial if you will be disregarding people’s rights and feelings. If you believe that mankind is one big, happy family, then when a friend becomes sad that you’re exercising your right to use him/her as your personal punching bag (this could be literal or metaphorical) you may be tempted to feel bad for your actions. This is a big no no. Considering the feelings of others, even those close to you, leads you on a slippery slope to being a do-gooder. And we already know that do-gooders get less out of life than those who exploit others and think primarily of themselves. The Jerk in my sense is always a purposeful Jerk. The purpose is whatever you want it to be, as long as you are content with propping yourself up on a pedestal in your mind. My Jerk is never rude for the sake of it, for he knows that such behaviour may in the end heed fewer benefits for him. He will do whatever is necessary to achieve his goal, because he knows that he is above most others and though they may think they are ends in themselves, to him they are mere means to an end. He cares about being liked and respected only to the extent that it affects his will – in reality the opinions of those around him have no bearing on him. These are the key attitudes you should strive for. The more your mindset resembles the Hypothetical Superjerk, the more you will get out of life. If you’re particularly uncreative about it, there are basic templates to getting stuff and services from people, then screwing them over and finally being able to tell them exactly what you think about them. The most common of these is called “Friendship”.
Friendship is the application of covert Jerkness for a period of time to gain trust, access to possessions, someone to groom you when you’re feeling slack and cheer you up when you’re depressed. The key to friendship is, get out before you get attached. The more you pretend to be nice to someone, the more you’ll die a little inside. The more they do for you, the more you’ll feel in debt to them and compelled to perform your own altruistic acts. Friendship may be Jerkdom’s biggest enemy, and it will take you from the pedestal you have constructed in your mind and place you smack bang amidst the other cretins. Generally there is a peak, an optimal time in the friendship for you to “slay & betray, then get out of the way”. This time often comes when you are in debt to your companion, coincidentally. Be cautious of severing the friendship over a measly five bucks early on when a few months of dedicated undercover work could score you hit the mother load. The best time to go out looking for friendship is a few months before your birthday. In the months leading up to it, you can play up a special bond that is likely to get you a very special gift. Then, after borrowing as much money and possessions as they offer without suspicion, disappear, quickly, before it’s their birthday. You can make a friend think that they’re the one making the decision to sever the friendship by constantly interrupting them/subtly insulting them until they can bear your company no more. The best end to a friendship is a dramatic one, because the best thing for a Jerk who owes money is when people can’t be bothered dealing with him because he’s such a mega-Jerk. At the betrayal stage, make sure to be as open as possible about why they have been a terrible friend, though do avoid mentioning the money from the start of the ordeal, lest they have evidence to show police. Also it’s not good to brag that this was all part of your master plan and you’re so glad you used them, because if you insult them too much they may become vengeful and come after you. The main stages of an effective friendship should be:
– meet, associate, create an illusion of connection
– gain trust, gain borrowed goods, gain presents
– annoy your friend and betray them until the mere thought of you makes them ill.
There are other ways of getting things that aren’t quite so time consuming, but do remember that you can work several “friend” projects at any one time. It is best if they don’t interact, even though this would make your task of “building a friendship” less time consuming (and you can kind of tune out while the minions interact with each other), because that may result in a class action suit against you. When it’s your word against theirs, all you have to do is confidence your way out of it. When there are many, your story may not seem too plausible.
The law is a pesky thing to watch out for when seeking to become a Jerk. The law is designed to protect society from Jerks like you who will exploit its stupidity for your own personal gain. That’s why it’s good to be crafty. There are ways in which you can use people that aren’t as illegal as “taking their money”. For instance, get them addicted to a drug and then deal it to them at a grossly inflated price. They will trust that you would not lie to them about the market price, and if they don’t, hopefully they can’t find another source. Good addictive drugs to introduce your friends to include Codeine, Methamphetamine, Heroin and Nitrous Oxide. Be wary, the latter can be found in grocery shops and if the friend were to ever discover this they would surely cease doing business with you.
What you must be aware of are other covert jerks who are using you while you are using them. They could still be useful to you, but it is absolutely necessary that you identify them early on so you don’t deal drugs to them or otherwise incriminate yourself in any way– when it comes down to it, they would give you up as their dealer to get off the hook. The number of covert Jerks that are currently in operation unbeknownst to even themselves is astounding.
Of course, this article is just preliminary training. If you choose to commit yourself to becoming a Jerk Master, you require the extensive training provided exclusively by my upcoming book. From it you will learn how to apply a “Jerk-benefit analysis”, which is similar to the concept of a cost-benefit analysis in everyday economic situations. Remember, Jerkness is a frame of mind. Accept yourself as god of your own universe and let your Jerkness take over and guide you in achieving anything and everything. Once you stop taking others into consideration altogether, the world is your oyster.
Filed under: Distract yourself from the mediocrity of existence with, Mind-Vomit, Visual Amusement | 2 Comments
Tags: altruism, arrogance, being rude, Comedy, Humour, jerk, satire, self-help, self-improvement