Archive for the ‘Quotes’ Category

“I’d like to call my kid Ladies and Gentlemen: “This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen.” Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please!”” – Louis CK “I was licking jelly off my boyfriend’s penis, then all of a sudden I started thinking, “oh, my God, I’m turning […]

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The Eventual Point of this Story: Today’s theory is that all dinosaurs came from a common ancestor who should obviously be named Hpothesaurus Rex due to the speculative nature of his existence. Here is what he may or may not have looked like. He had countless unique features, of which nothing is known for certain […]

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Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together… as this will assist the police officers who are about to arrest you  all. No matter what went wrong, she could always rely on one thing to lift her spirits – her hand. I’m really looking forward to…. to simply….prevent me from bumping into any more things. […]

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There was a fine line between right and wrong, until I snorted it. I need to develop some patience, immediately. I’ve never read an article of clothing. I mind my own business..and struck gold.

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Once upon a time the world was a comforting place in which to live, for we human beings were able to embrace a worldview that provided us with endless flattery and ego gratification. The whole universe, we were told, had been created by God FOR US. We had been placed at the physical and moral […]

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Slacking off on original material, propagating the hilarity of others instead. Enjoy! “I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank […]

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Bus tickets must be beings of uttermost confidence, for their sole function is to be validated. I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer… Food is the opiate of the massive. Following things blindly must be hard.

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space This blog should distract you from the mediocrity of existence for a good five hours. it distracted me for many more hours Choose your distraction: Quotes Hilarity is the best thing for all forms of “life-ache”, especially boredom. I have hand-picked the finest Demetri Martin, Mitch Hedberg & Jack Handey quotes for your amusement […]

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If you have a quote that I have missed, or a new quote, feel free to comment on it the Demetri Quotes Post – it’s supposed to be a self-maintaining, growing collection of his works, updated by readers. Lately, there has been far too many irrelevant comments to this end – so here are the […]

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The best of the best of Stephen Wright’s Jokes* I can levitate birds. No one cares. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. On the other hand, you have different fingers. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

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