On happiness


We don’t enjoy simple things as much as we should. We’re so wrapped up in the trivial, menial details of everyday life that we never stop to lay on the grass and stare at the clouds. Watching cartoons is ok, but it’s ingesting a set entertainment, prescribed by someone else. Watching clouds requires no money, no technology; clouds are never polluted by anyone else’s intention. They’re entirely open to your interpretation of them. Sure, when people ask you what you do for fun and you reply “stare at clouds”  they may not be as able to relate as if you were to reply “family guy, party, etc”. This is because they don’t also enjoy such simple things; it doesn’t mean these things are not worthwhile. It just means you need new friends who you can relate to better. Staring at clouds is certainly a better way to pass the time than going to an establishment like [insert trendy pub/club] to spend time with inebriated, sweaty people who you deem “friends”. Sure you may like them, but you can’t even hear what they don’t have to say over the blaring music (which you don’t get to choose). You may have interesting conversations, but if that’s all because you’re on drugs, and you can’t even fully recollect the events of the night upon sobering, then how have you learned? It may be fun, but at what cost? Your brain, your time. It’s an empty enjoyment that will leave you with that same void in the end.

 Change your perspective, change your priorities. If you’re unhappy, don’t whine about it and cover up the tears with drugs. Don’t escape it, actively work to change your reality so that it is no longer something that needs escaping.  Happiness cannot be found in a gram of meth, a nos machine or a syringe. Happiness has to come from within, from a place so independent of the details of your life that nothing can shake it.


Acid Trip


This is kind of what it’s like.

The Eventual Point of this Story:

Today’s theory is that all dinosaurs came from a common ancestor who should obviously be named Hpothesaurus Rex due to the speculative nature of his existence. Here is what he may or may not have looked like. He had countless unique features, of which nothing is known for certain but much is speculated.

In my younger years, I was always told I had such potential, that I was going places. And how these prophesies have come to pass – why just this morning I visited my local centrelink (the organization that pays the unemployed of Australia)  orifice and spoke at length with one of their psychiatrists about my thorough incompetence at all things life-related. She concluded that it was a miracle that I could function outside of a padded room at all – the added stress of employment was out of the question. I think it helped the situation that whenever I was asked a question I responded with “let me put my thinking cap on” and proceeded to encase my head in helmet fashioned out of a salad bowl covered in aluminum foil. And thus it came to pass that the mighty bludging has been extended for another year!

Continue reading ‘Captain Pinhead reflects on what got him where he is, and what it is he does, exactly.’

The amount of contradictions in the christian bible is probably enough to publish a contradictionary on the topic. If you’re pressed for time and looking for some snappy questions that will befuddle your religious foes, read only the bold sections. My interest in the topic dates way back:  in my own words, i was “tearing holes in  the stocking of religion to reveal the leg of truth” in 2006. Having conferred with my trusty sidekick, bitchslap chicken, on the matter, I noticed and documented the following conundrums within christianity – things that would make no sense even if one was to take certain christian assumptions for granted:

a) Does heaven promise happiness?
Families often disagree on the “god” issue – but how do the religious plan on enjoying their stay in heaven when they expect your sorry arse to end up in hell? Surely such an occurrence would dampen the whole “eternal bliss” scenario. How could the parent of a child condemned to hell ever forget about their suffering and plight and enjoy any of the promised happy fun times with Jesus in heaven? It is possible that god gives such unfortunates a dose of amnesia to allow them to be perpetually happy and fulfilled as advertised in church? Is this the best that christian parents of heathens like myself can hope for in an afterlife? Being tricked into contentment by way of a amnesia ray a la Men In Black, a procedure that essentially lobotomises a vital part of them and blinds you to the existence of those who you so cherished? This scenario is reminiscent of the nauseating forced happiness that one experiences on extacy; for those who have avoided this experience, just pretend you’re Neo and instead of finding out the disturbing truth you choose the other pill and slip back into the predictable life within the matrix.

Continue reading ‘Christianity vs. Logic, round 1’

According to Clifford “… it is wrong always, everywhere, and for anyone, to believe anything upon insufficient evidence”. Assess Clifford’s defense of this principle and William James’ critique, with special reference to religious faith.


W.K. Clifford was not the first to suggest that our beliefs be subject to evidentialist justifications. Long before the publication of his essay “The Ethics of Belief”, indeed, long before the existence of Clifford himself, John Locke declared unto mankind the obligation to proportion our assent to a proposition to the strength of the evidence for it. Half a century later, David Hume piped in with the claim that “A wise man…proportions his belief to the evidence.”[1] More than a century later still, Clifford emerged with the most extreme evidentialist contention, allegedly implicating ethics into epistemic justification. Unlike his predecessors, he was not himself bound by the ties of religious belief; consequently, his argument is not designed to preserve any personal convictions from its own onslaught of criticism. Clifford’s radical position leaves his argument open to a vast array of objections, notoriously those of William James in “The Will to Believe”. The majority of these views will receive due deliberation in what follows; specifically, Clifford’s argument and its significance for religious faith will be the focal point of this paper.

Continue reading ‘Is faith Immoral?’

“Airflow through the nasal passages is normally asymmetrical because of alternating changes in nasal resistance in each nostril… This nasal cycle has a periodicity of approximately 2 hours and is found in 80% of the population. The reason for its existence is uncertain. A simple explanation is that it permits one side of the nose to go through a rest period and recover from the minor trauma of conditioning the inspired air.”

Well, not too special, i just fit into the 20% that don’t breathe through one nostril at a time. You can test whether you’re in the 80% or the 20% by placing your fingers on your nostrils and seeing if both get sucked up into your nose when you breathe in. This exercise is also good excuse for being caught picking your nose. “Why, I was simply testing if i breathe through one or two nostrils, because (insert above passage from some medical site)”. Then people will think you’re very worldly and educated – a dramatic improvement from their original perception of you as a public nose picker. Seriously though, i don’t know why i can’t be a worldly and educated public nose picker. I think as long as I don’t fling the picked booger at anyone it should be at least as acceptable an activity as burping, tripping over or twitching one’s eye with a hint of madness.

Being a Jerk can be incredibly fulfilling. By reading this article you are taking the first step to becoming a complete and utter Jerk with little or no regard for anyone but yourself. Upon completion of this basic training, you will be able to re-enter into society and “Jerk it up a notch” with your shameless egotistical behaviour. You will find that once you start practicing, your Jerk tactics will naturally escalate until you find yourself disregarding people in ways you’ve never before thought possible.

Before we begin the training process, it is important to acknowledge why being a jerk is the right choice for you. Too often we hear of the many merits of being a nice or generous person. These are in fact completely fictitious. We are told of supernatural authorities like “God” or “Karma” who will punish us for being Jerks and reward us for selfless behaviour. If you are one of the mindless drones currently behaving for the sake of something that is entirely beyond your knowledge and understanding, consider this: if you are wrong, then you have wasted thousands of opportunities to be a complete jerk and squeeze what you want out of life by trampling on the lives of others. If you are in fact right, Jerks like me will not be sent to hell, for being the almighty, all good and all knowing comes with certain responsibilities (I know this from experience). One of these responsibilities is to not allow your creation to fester in misery for thousands of years and then judge people based on their actions in this hell. Another responsibility would be to create beings that don’t tend to sway towards the behaviours that you yourself will forbid them to exhibit. Have you ever noticed that our instincts tell us to do exactly what “god” tells us to avoid? If one is all-powerful, one can avoid creating beings with such obvious “glitches” in their genetic makeup. Regardless, after a rich life of Jerkness you’d let one slide for God and ask for his forgiveness on your deathbed. Then you’re in, but remember – heaven is a place where everyone is happy. If this is to be logically possible, it would follow that nobody could be a Jerk in heaven, because that tends to make everyone but the Jerk unhappy. Think carefully before asking for an invite to a place where you may be forced into censoring yourself. Assuming now that God is a product of thousands of years of mankind’s denial of their own mortality (so deeply ingrained that we can never even imagine what it would be like to cease existing), say you pursue a life of giving instead of taking, a life of harmony with your fellow hair-challenged monkeys. In the end, you will die, all of the people you’ve ever been good to will die, your children will die, and eventually the sun will explode – obliterating once and for all any good that you had ever achieved by sacrificing your own will to be a good person and do right by others. Barring supernatural authorities that could reward you, what possible benefits could there be for nice and selfless behaviour? I have no idea. Google, the largest search engine known to man, has no idea.

Continue reading ‘Ancient Arrogance – The Basic Principles of Jerkness (a satire of human behaviour)’

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