Posts Tagged ‘One-liners’

“I’d like to call my kid Ladies and Gentlemen: “This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen.” Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please!”” – Louis CK “I was licking jelly off my boyfriend’s penis, then all of a sudden I started thinking, “oh, my God, I’m turning […]

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Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together… as this will assist the police officers who are about to arrest you  all. No matter what went wrong, she could always rely on one thing to lift her spirits – her hand. I’m really looking forward to…. to simply….prevent me from bumping into any more things. […]

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There was a fine line between right and wrong, until I snorted it. I need to develop some patience, immediately. I’ve never read an article of clothing. I mind my own business..and struck gold.

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Slacking off on original material, propagating the hilarity of others instead. Enjoy! “I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank […]

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Bus tickets must be beings of uttermost confidence, for their sole function is to be validated. I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer… Food is the opiate of the massive. Following things blindly must be hard.

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The best of the best of Stephen Wright’s Jokes* I can levitate birds. No one cares. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. On the other hand, you have different fingers. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

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I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.” I went to the store, bought eight apples. The clerk said, “Do you want me to put them in a bag?” I said, “No, […]

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