Jack Handey Quotes

24Sep06
  • To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, ‘Hey, can you give me a hand?,’ you can say, ‘Sorry, got these sacks.’
  • We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
  • The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he’s completely draped in it. Then he’ll stand up and go, ‘Hey, I’m Vine Man.’
  • Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o’-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says ‘You.’ After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
  • Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
  • Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words—‘mank’ and ‘ind’. What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.
  • It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
  • Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window.
  • If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they’re thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
  • If you’re at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, ‘Boy, these are good cigars!’
  • If you’re a cowboy, and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
  • If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
  • If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don’t think it necessarily means you’re a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
  • If I was being executed by injection, I’d clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I’d say, ‘Injection? I thought you said `inspection’.’ They’d probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
  • If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I’d try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the side and pretend I was window-shopping or something.
  • If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, ‘Hey look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!’ and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, ‘That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.’ Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
  • I’m telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?!
  • I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money.’
  • How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn’t have that dangerous beak.
  • Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.
  • As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
  • Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus’s-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won’t bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
  • You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
  • Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.
  • It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
  • I think a good product would be “Baby Duck Hat.” It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

If you like Stephen Wright and have run out of his material to enjoy, methinks you should go forth and sample my selection of the concentrated comedy of Demetri Martin, Mitch Hedberg and Stephen Wright, as well as this guy : they are of comprable hilarity.

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11 Responses to “Jack Handey Quotes”

  1. to knock or bump against, from “to bounce”, Shaastra a straight person; one without dreadlocks;

  2. thanks, i enjoy definitions.

  3. I love the one about the “Ambition is like a frog”…jack handy has a real way with life around us all!
    šŸ˜†

  4. 5 kevin pei

    you guys are losers, this guy sucks and you can suck my big hard weiner

  5. 7 Jordan

    yeah demetri martin 10x better this isn’t that funny

  6. 8 4345243

    THIS GUY IS HORRiBLdemitri martin is betrtah

  7. 9 dakota

    dude everyone has a different type of humor. so if this is not your type than please do not leave negative comments.


  1. 1 Stephen Wright Quotes « musings of an overactive mind
  2. 2 Stephen Wright Quotes » Surrealisations

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